THE latest TV fun is voting to have bug-frightened Tory MP Nadine Dorries, currently in the Australian rainforest as part of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, carry out the gruesome tasks at which she struggles.
As Orkney and Shetland Liberal Democrat MP Alistair Carmichael put it: "You have to think that if voting for Tories was this much fun normally, Scotland would have more than one Tory MP."
PARENTING skills Glasgow-style. A chap meeting his pals in the pub said he had to feed his year-old son spaghetti bolognaise before he came out.
"So to save time," he told them, "I did what my son would have done – I threw half of it on the carpet."
Shedding a tear
THE bondage novel Fifty Shades of Grey has a spoof version Fifty Sheds of Grey whose author Colin Grey recounts love encounters in the garden shed. Reader Patricia Watson sends us an extract: "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped.
"Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
A READER notes that a spokeswoman for supermarket chain Aldi was bragging about its cheap turkeys this Christmas and how: "We are expecting them to fly off the shelves."
"Aha, so they are saving cash on slaughterhouse costs," says our reader.
So who's the boss?
WE mentioned the punning driving school LPASSO. David Donaldson tells us: "I got a leaflet through the door the other day for a cleaning firm with a love of American singers. It calls itself Spruce Springclean."
ALL the talk about editorial incompetence at the BBC is nothing new. Paul Drury in Glasgow recalls regularly being in touch with the BBC in the 1990s to complain about pro-English bias.
He realised he was perhaps overdoing it when a letter from BT suggested that the BBC switchboard number should be in his "friends and family" list as he used it so often.
Par for the course
THE death of former Falklands Governor Sir Rex Hunt reminds retired journalist Gordon Airs of flying out to the Falklands in an RAF Hercules transporter after it was retaken, and asking Sir Rex after interviewing him if he could play the eight-hole golf course beside the Governor's House, complete with shell holes.
Sir Rex shrewdly charged Gordon £5 to become a member of the tiny battered course – but then lent him his own battered golf clubs so that he could play it.