TWO topics vie for attention.

An Aberdeen oil worker who paid £1800 at a charity auction to have lunch with Alex Salmond but doesn't like politics and is selling the prize to the highest or any bidder.

Or the "fidelity hormone" nasal spray scientists say could stop men from straying. The Lothario medication wins by a short nose.

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The active ingredient is oxytocin. Or the "love hormone", as researchers at Bonn University probably do not call it. Their findings suggest that increased oxytocin prevents men from appearing interested in other women. "Appearing" could be the key word. To be on the safe side, wives may augment the nasal spray by keeping the man on a short leash.

Or try this extreme method employed by a wife who suspected her man might fall into temptation on a night out with attractive female colleagues in attendance. The husband assured her the occasion was "only a few drinks". "No food? So, you won't need these," she said, confiscating his dentures.

Meanwhile, back at the morning after the night before and realisation dawns that one drink too many led to a winning bid that was far too generous. Often the item in question is a football jersey signed by some famous player, except the name was most likely scribbled on by an expert forger in the club office.

Such a shirt may be hidden away in a drawer and donated to some future charity auction. This option is not available when you have to turn up at the Scottish Parliament for an unwanted lunch with the First Minister. Eck will be too polite to ask: "How much wine did you drink before bidding £1800?"

Now, is there a laboratory somewhere working on a nasal spray that curbs unwise participation in charity auctions?