WE often talk about the differences between Glasgow and Edinburgh, and now we wonder if even the beggars are different.

We only ask as Eleanor Balfour asked a mendicant on Edinburgh's Princes Street if he would like a coffee. "Yes," he replied, then stunned her by adding: "A medium frappuccino with a hazelnut shot, thanks."

Meanwhile, in Glasgow, Donald Macaskill watched a man near Central Station rattle a cup of coins at a tipsy chap who said: "Thanks very much," emptied the contents into his own hand, and walked into the pub behind him, pursued by the impoverished man.

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Aiming for success?

CHEESY driving school names, and a reader points out the East Kilbride company "L-on-wheels". But what makes it just sublime is the company is run by the splendidly named Irene Macphail, which may or may not instill confidence in the learner drivers.

Foreign ops

DODGY subtitling on the telly, and Ronnie MacQuarrie tells us his favourite was a report on childbirth which stated on the screen in some cases babies had to be delivered "by four Serbs".

That figures

ANDREW Foster tells us a lecturer pal of his plays in a band, made up of college lecturers, called Blame the Bankers. They were asked to play at a party hosted by big accountancy firm KPMG who asked if they could change the name of the band for that one night.

"No problem," replied the band. "How about Stuff the Accountants?"

They weren't hired.


OUR tale of frisky pensioners reminds John Gerrard in Arizona: "An elderly couple were sitting in deckchairs when the wife suddenly punched her husband on the shoulder and said: 'That's for 50 years of bad sex'.

"The husband returned the punch with: 'That's for knowing the difference.'"

Sail away

WE mentioned management at Loch Lomond's Duck Bay Marina giving a combative reply on holiday comments site TripAdvisor when it was criticised. A reader points out to us another such response when a visitor to the Duck Bay stated on TripAdvisor: "Expensive for what is now looking a very dated hotel – reminded me of a 1980s cruise ship in places."

Management crisply replied: "Try a cruise."

Shaky ground

AS SNP leader Alex Salmond says sorry for quoting the wrong figures in Parliament, the Rev Ian Elston wonders if it is appropriate his computer spellchecker automatically replaces "Scottish Government" with "Skittish Government".

Dog gone

JOE Donnelly in Cathcart reads that American rapper Snoop Dogg is interested in taking a financial stake in Celtic, and wonders if he would replace club mascot Hoopy The Huddle Hound.