AN EDINBURGH reader was in a city coffee shop when a young woman with her friends suddenly let her face crumble as she told them: "Oh no, I forgot to update my Facebook status saying I was at the gym.

"What a waste of a workout."

Managing expectations

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"I'VE been thinking about getting some temporary work over the Christmas period," said the toper in the Glasgow pub last night.

"So I decided to apply for the Chelsea job."

Tipsy test

STUDENTS in Glasgow are gearing up for festive season parties after the hard slog of nearly two months at uni. One of them tells us he has a sure-fire way of working out if any of his pals have had too much to drink on a night out and need to be taken home. He simply asks them: "Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

Either answer, and it's time to go up the road.

History rewritten

RANGERS fans were yesterday celebrating the news that the club had been vindicated over its outstanding tax case. A reader says that in his local branch of WHSmith, some wag had moved copies of the book critical of the club, Downfall: How Rangers FC Self-Destructed, into the fiction section.

Great escapes

READER Mary McNeill reads on the BBC website that chimpanzees and orangutans may experience a "mid-life crisis" like humans.

She wonders: "So is this when they run away and join the circus?"

Final countdown

IT reminds us of the old buffer at an Ayrshire golf club who announced to his fellow members: "A mid-life crisis is not something that bothers me any more.

"I'm a lot more concerned about the end-of-life one."

Rab's des res

NEWS this week in The Herald that poet Rabbie Burns has been granted posthumous membership of the Royal Institution of Chartered Surveyors prompts reader Robert Bennie to opine: "Perhaps now would be a good time to discuss the home report on Burns Cottage?

"Apparently this delightful property sits in a desirable area benefiting from public transport and good local amenities including schools and golf.

"This unique period residence on one level needs some attention. Requires damp proof course, new roof, rewiring and decoration throughout."

Conundrum comedy

DAFT gag of the week from a TV fan. "How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?"

Cold shoulder

A LANARKSHIRE reader tells us about the new young barman in his local who was asked for an orange juice.

"Do you want ice in that?" asked the barman.

"Depends. Is it cold?" asked the customer.

"Well it's ice, so it must be pretty cold," replied the now confused barman.