"OF all the Wetherspoons in all the towns in the world, she walks into mine."

The prospect of Casablanca 2 has half the film world aghast with indignation, the other half feverish with excitement.

Details are scarce, but it seems safe to assume that the sequel will be in 3-D, to appeal to the needs of modern audiences. The piano on which Dooley Wilson played and sang in the classic 1942 original will now protrude from the screen, swaying alarmingly over the front rows. "You must remember this/A text is just a text, a sigh is just a sigh/The fundamental tweets apply/As time goes by-"

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Much of the film's classic dialogue will also be updated, so that Rick will now say: "Here's Linked-in with you, kid", and in the final heartbreaking scene at the airport (Bing-bong! "At this point in time we'd like to invite passengers Bogart and Bergman to make their way to the hangar door for the final farewell scene-"), Rick will say "We'll always have-Skype."

Audiences will be able to make their own dialogue suggestions, via the hashtag hillofbeans, and these will be shown down the left-hand side of the screen.

Rick's most famous speech might now run: "If that plane leaves the ground and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your life. Because you're throwing away useful air-miles. Air-miles that can get you upgrades and all kinds of cool stuff."

Ilsa walks out to EasyJet Flight 417 to Alicante, while the music swells up one more time. The shocking news is that she's in love with the pilot, one Samuel Lorre, a surname chosen for the movie buffs. But he's an alcoholic and no longer wants the job. They meet just beneath the left engine. She gazes at him. "Fly it, Sam. Fly it again."

But he can't hear her because they've both been given those round earmuffs by one of the ground crew – they must have these because otherwise, under EC health and safety rules, the film would not get distribution. "I said, 'Fly it again-' oh, never mind. Listen, I'm getting on anyway because they have those cuppa-soups which I actually quite like-"

Then, as Rick makes his way back into the terminal, he notices an old, stooped man in the corner muttering something about "treasure-in the Sierra Madre" and "a falcon, a Maltese falcon-.".