"OF all the Wetherspoons in all the towns in the world, she walks into mine."
The prospect of Casablanca 2 has half the film world aghast with indignation, the other half feverish with excitement.
Details are scarce, but it seems safe to assume that the sequel will be in 3-D, to appeal to the needs of modern audiences. The piano on which Dooley Wilson played and sang in the classic 1942 original will now protrude from the screen, swaying alarmingly over the front rows. "You must remember this/A text is just a text, a sigh is just a sigh/The fundamental tweets apply/As time goes by-"
Much of the film's classic dialogue will also be updated, so that Rick will now say: "Here's Linked-in with you, kid", and in the final heartbreaking scene at the airport (Bing-bong! "At this point in time we'd like to invite passengers Bogart and Bergman to make their way to the hangar door for the final farewell scene-"), Rick will say "We'll always have-Skype."
Audiences will be able to make their own dialogue suggestions, via the hashtag hillofbeans, and these will be shown down the left-hand side of the screen.
Rick's most famous speech might now run: "If that plane leaves the ground and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your life. Because you're throwing away useful air-miles. Air-miles that can get you upgrades and all kinds of cool stuff."
Ilsa walks out to EasyJet Flight 417 to Alicante, while the music swells up one more time. The shocking news is that she's in love with the pilot, one Samuel Lorre, a surname chosen for the movie buffs. But he's an alcoholic and no longer wants the job. They meet just beneath the left engine. She gazes at him. "Fly it, Sam. Fly it again."
But he can't hear her because they've both been given those round earmuffs by one of the ground crew – they must have these because otherwise, under EC health and safety rules, the film would not get distribution. "I said, 'Fly it again-' oh, never mind. Listen, I'm getting on anyway because they have those cuppa-soups which I actually quite like-"
Then, as Rick makes his way back into the terminal, he notices an old, stooped man in the corner muttering something about "treasure-in the Sierra Madre" and "a falcon, a Maltese falcon-.".
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article