GLASGOW'S Dean Park, who has played panto dames with great success for nearly 30 years, is one of the stars this year in The Wizard of Never Woz at Glasgow's Pavilion.

His first dame appearance was in Inverness in the 1980s. He was sitting in his dressing room then, with full make-up, huge fake boobs and tights on when his parents came to see him. His father, of traditional West of Scotland stock, took in the scene and asked Dean: "Is this what it's come to, son?"

Sign of the times

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GLASGOW Odeon continued. James Johnston worked as a telegram boy out of the George Square GPO when he had to deliver a telegram to legendary American singer Connie Francis at the Odeon. James put it in a priority envelope to be delivered in person, and on being shown into her dressing room he delivered said communication and waited with hand cupped at his thigh.

But instead of a tip, all he got was a "That's all mailman."

Back at the depot when colleagues asked if he got her autograph he replied: "Get her autograph? I could'nae get two ha'pennies for a penny."

Coining it in

AND Jim Thomson recalls: "I remember being serenaded by a visually-impaired busker slowly making his way along the Odeon queue. He was followed some paces behind by a down-at-heel guy with cap in hand who, before he reached the head of the queue, did a bunk with the collection."

Blue murder?

SO why should women know much about car mechanics? We only ask as a worker at Glasgow's most famous chain of car showrooms tells us a woman customer was having her car repaired only to be told by the wee Glasgow mechanic: "Yer heid gasket's blew."

She then asked him: "What colour should it be?"

Forgotten art

OUR story of the memory clinic reminds Alan Barlow in Paisley: "An old friend attended his doctor for a routine visit, and due to his age the doctor said that he would give him the standard memory test. After searching around for some time, the doctor said that he would give him the test at a later date as he couldn't remember where he'd put the list of questions."

Coffee sweetener

AS the tax affairs of big companies continue to hit the headlines, Janice Carter tells us: "I went into Starbucks today, ordered a drink, and paid the price minus the VAT.

"See how they like it."

Pregnant pause

"I COULDN'T care less about the royal baby," said a chap in a Glasgow pub last night.

"Unless of course we get a bank holiday out of it, in which case, congratulations."

Special delivery?

CONGRATULATIONS also of course to Britain's tabloid newspapers. As a reader phones to point out: "Remarkably some of them were able to tell us a year ago that Princess Kate was pregnant."