I'VE never been entirely clear what women expect a man to smell like.

They seem ambivalent about beer, and fag-reek's a no-no nowadays.

Well, how about a pig? I don't mean in the uncooked sense. That would be gross. I mean in the sense of cooked bacon.

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A Seattle-based food manufacturer is selling "luxurious" bacon shaving cream, claiming the wearer will "smell and feel like a champion".

I'll be the judge of that. Well, no I won't, for the Lord has blessed me with a beard. But clean-shaven weirdos might want to try it.

The makers advise using it after a hot shower or before an "important date". With your psychiatrist perhaps. Here's the pitch: "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and bacon is the best part of breakfast. Why not smell like it and be the best?"

Even for someone like me, who eats meat but once a week and hasn't had a bacon buttie for yonks, the aroma remains alluring. A female veggie friend says the same, so they could be on to something.

The makers even claim it could be perfect for "a vegetarian who craves mouth-watering bacon taste without the bacon guilt".

On the other trotter, veggie or no veggie, you might find yourself followed by slavering dogs. And, as one wag commented online, there's always the risk of being allergic and coming out in a rasher.

One customer who tested the lotion told The Seattle Insider he felt like he was "in a skillet". Indeed, knowing capitalism, it wouldn't surprise me if someone came along offering lotions based on a full fry-up, or perhaps just black pudding and dripping.

You'd end up trying to eat your own face off. Probably best to stick to the vaguely musky, husky stuff you get every Christmas.