I'VE never been entirely clear what women expect a man to smell like.
They seem ambivalent about beer, and fag-reek's a no-no nowadays.
Well, how about a pig? I don't mean in the uncooked sense. That would be gross. I mean in the sense of cooked bacon.
A Seattle-based food manufacturer is selling "luxurious" bacon shaving cream, claiming the wearer will "smell and feel like a champion".
I'll be the judge of that. Well, no I won't, for the Lord has blessed me with a beard. But clean-shaven weirdos might want to try it.
The makers advise using it after a hot shower or before an "important date". With your psychiatrist perhaps. Here's the pitch: "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and bacon is the best part of breakfast. Why not smell like it and be the best?"
Even for someone like me, who eats meat but once a week and hasn't had a bacon buttie for yonks, the aroma remains alluring. A female veggie friend says the same, so they could be on to something.
The makers even claim it could be perfect for "a vegetarian who craves mouth-watering bacon taste without the bacon guilt".
On the other trotter, veggie or no veggie, you might find yourself followed by slavering dogs. And, as one wag commented online, there's always the risk of being allergic and coming out in a rasher.
One customer who tested the lotion told The Seattle Insider he felt like he was "in a skillet". Indeed, knowing capitalism, it wouldn't surprise me if someone came along offering lotions based on a full fry-up, or perhaps just black pudding and dripping.
You'd end up trying to eat your own face off. Probably best to stick to the vaguely musky, husky stuff you get every Christmas.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article