SANTAS are appearing in shopping centres across the country, of course.
Margaret Thomson was in one garden centre when she spotted a father trailing after his young daughter who was leaving Santa's grotto in tears.
Margaret wondered what had gone wrong until she heard the father shout: "Don't worry, hen. Santa knows wee lassies hiv tae go tae the toilet!"
Spring in his step
CHRISTMAS present buying is in full swing, and a shifty-looking character in a Glasgow pub was heard explaining: "I got the kids a trampoline from the internet."
"What website did you see it on?" asked his mate.
"Google Earth," he replied.
A READER heard a woman out with her pals in Glasgow's west end being asked by them how she was coping with her husband being down in London on business for a week.
"I'm in a deep depression," she explained.
"Why's that?" asked a worried pal.
"I'm sleeping on his side of the bed."
FRIDAY night saw the start of office Christmas parties in Glasgow. One chap was telling his pal on Saturday that he unfortunately told his boss he reminded him of Santa.
"That doesn't sound too bad," said his mate.
"What I actually said," replied his pal, "was that he was fat and only worked one day of the year."
Salt of the earth
DAVID Donaldson was in his local supermarket where he noticed Ezi-Melt, which you scatter on paths to remove ice, was being hurriedly snapped up at £2 a go.
The back of the container explained the content: "Sodium chloride, 99%."
Those of you who stuck in at school will know that sodium chloride is, of course, salt, which was on another supermarket shelf at 40p.
Says David: "To quote American academic Derek Bok, 'If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.'"
STIRLING Albion fans had to put up with Rangers celebrating their 140th anniversary at the game between the two clubs on Saturday. Frank O'Donnell heard one Stirling fan at the match sniffily remark: "I don't know what all the fuss is about Rangers taking 140 years to get to division three. It only took us two seasons."
AND there was the usual queue of fans at the Subway after the Ibrox match, controlled by mounted police, one of whom was awkwardly controlling his horse while holding, for reasons unknown, a box of cakes.
"Do you no' huv a glove compartment?" reader Matthew Chisholm heard one of the fans helpfully ask.