A CHAP shopping in the Silverburn shopping centre near Glasgow during the day yesterday was heard to comment: "There's that new virus going around – Unused Sick Days.

And it looks as though it's highly contagious."

Spanner in the works?

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WE hear about the new apprentice at a south side of Glasgow garage who had been warned by his father to watch out for the mechanics playing practical jokes on him, such as sending him for a tin of tartan paint.

His first week was going well until the foreman shouted over to him to pass him a monkey wrench. The lad thought about this before replying: "A monkey wrench? Do you think I'm stupid? There's no such thing."

Royal flush?

THE Queen attended the meeting of the Coalition Government's Cabinet yesterday. As James Doleman puts it: "Queen shocked to find she is poorest person at Cabinet meeting."

And as a Jubilee gift, part of Antarctica has been renamed Queen Elizabeth Land. Many a cynic thought: "It sounds like a theme park which is so rubbish they had to hide it away in the Antarctic."

Jaundiced eye

OFFICE Christmas parties continued. A chap who was accompanied to his office do by his wife was telling friends: "I can now tell how attractive the women in my office are by the number of times my wife told me an individual looked like a tramp."

Pint of order

IT is also the time of amateur drinkers in the pubs, getting in the way of regular topers. A group of girls was dithering over their drinks selection in a Glasgow bar when the chap behind them told his pal: "How can they not know what they want to drink?

"I've known since I got to work this morning what I wanted to drink eight hours later."

Fuel for thought

YOU can even find Glasgow humour in the city's accident and emergency units. A reader waiting at the Southern General watched as an elderly woman was being brought in on an ambulance trolley, and her condition was being discussed by medical staff.

As a paramedic explained: "BP is 127" our reader was told by the chap sitting next to him: "Imagine them discussing petrol prices at a time like that."

Chocs away

AH, the logic of children. A Kilmaurs reader tells us about his nine-year-old grand-daughter walking in to the room with three chocolate biscuits. Her gran told her to put two of them back in the biscuit barrel.

But the child came back with: "Can't do that Gran – I've licked them all!"

Gaels of derision

FANS of Scottish football who turn to the Gaelic station BBC Alba, which has an SPL game once a week, are intrigued with the statement put up on the screen that it "Contains some strong language."

"Just how excited do the Gaelic commentators get?" asks reader Peter Drummond.