I AM a television addict.
It has been seven hours and 16 minutes since my last Law and Order and all I can think about is the next episode. After one week with a TV I now know all four Law and Order franchises (Original, SVU, LA and Criminal Intent) intimately as well as being able to identify each season of SVU by Olivia Benson's foundation (it becomes lighter and glossier as the seasons progress). Grey's Anatomy can be similarly quantified by Meredith Grey's hair, ditto Sex and the City and Carrie's biceps.
Last year I moved flat and didn't bother with a television. People go nuts when you tell them you don't have one. They can't process it. They look at you with the face of Homer Simpson, in that episode where he clutches his goggle box to his illustrated chest and cries: "How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness?" That happiness had passed me by but for the past week I've been staying in a flat with a television and so far, I haven't made it over the doorstep.
I can't switch it off. By the new year I'm going to need a district nurse to change the dressings on my pressure sores.
I can now follow the career progression of bit part actors. When Chandra Wilson appeared in SVU as FBI agent Rachel Sorannis, I thought "There's Miranda Bailey, off Grey's Anatomy". She played Nurse Jenkins in another episode, one with an impregnated coma victim. What other information, I wonder, is rolling out of my brain, 10-in-a-bed-style, to make way for this new, useless trivia? Despite the addiction, or maybe because of it, I'm still not buying a television. I don't think I've been missing anything. There was a show on ITV the other night called That Dog Can Dance. That's not worth the outlay of television and licence fee.
The adverts are worse. What's happened? Suddenly, the women in ads are indentured wifies, slaving through the festive season. The Asda wife doesn't even get a seat at her own dinner table. It has been 19 months since I lived with a television and time has frozen. It is still 2010 on TV: the same programmes are airing, the big American series are played on loops, the reality shows are cruel to new, talentless faces. One more SVU and I'm quitting. Just one more.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article