A CHAP in a Glasgow pub the other night said he made the fatal mistake of suggesting to his wife that she had perhaps put on a pound or two over the festive season.

He confessed that she quickly riposted: "That's rich coming from someone who needs sat-nav to do up his trouser belt."


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OUR story about the George Square redesign reminds Adrian Atkinson in Aberdeen of when he visited the square where he almost got his head taken off by a couple of low flying pigeons. His wife, originally from Bishopbriggs, wisely told him: "You're six feet one. They're not used to tall people."

Dim prospects

IT was announced yesterday that June 23 would be National Waiters Day to celebrate the work that British waiting staff do, carrying an estimated 4m tonnes of food to dining tables every year.

For some reason it reminds us of the line: "How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?"

The answer: "None. A burned-out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye."

Side swipe

OUR mention of humorous New York cab drivers reminds a Newton Mearns reader of being in the city with his family. When they climbed into the back seat of a yellow taxi, he took the front seat beside the driver and started putting on his seat belt.

"What's da matter?" asked the cheerful but gruff New Yorker. "You scared or something?"

Taking a pounding

ALAN Lang in Helensburgh reads his first bank statement after the festive season and reflects: "There seems to be an uncanny correlation between the amount of pounds, sterling, lost, to pounds, weight, gained."

Brave try

GOOD to see Brave, the Scottish-based animated film, win a Gold Globe award this week. We remember when the story artist for the film, Louis Gonzales, travelled to Scotland to seek inspiration for the film's setting. He later said in a magazine interview: "We ate like locals and immersed ourselves in the landscape and experienced the weather and how it was constantly changing and moving.

"We were trying to soak up as much as we could of Scotland."

Which we think was his polite way of saying it rained a lot.

Letter box

CHANGING a letter in a TV title:

VastEnders. For weightwatchers. (Norman Lawson).

Crimewitch. Kirsty Young cackles round a cauldron while casting spells to trap thieves. (David Belcher).

Hole To Hole. Michael Palin journeys around Scotland. (Richard Gault).