FEAR not.

The sludge under advisement is not something on which to slither underfoot. Sludge is what I have for lunch. Allow me to explain. I started having green smoothies but, alas, they turned out brown. A green smoothie is a mixture of green vegetables and fruit pulped into a viscous drink.

I started on them to get more fibre into my system and, having them for lunch, soon found I was losing weight. As well as the will to live.

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Only joking. I came to enjoy them. As the name indicates, they're meant to turn out green. Often I add dark berries, and I think it's this that makes them brown. Whatever the case, it looks truly unappetising. But I don't care. As winter set in, I started heating the sludge and adding honey, yogurt and raisins.

It's almost a complete meal and had the added, unlooked for side-effect of helping my rosacea. Rosacea is a rotten condition that means your coupon turns bright red, particularly in crowded rooms.

Meeting friends recently in a hot Italian restaurant – often unbearable for me in the past – I noticed my face was remaining almost normal. Other diners weren't staring, except when I started throwing meatballs around.

What seems to have happened is that the sludge has rebalanced my body to the alkaline side, which may play a part in soothing rosacea. Once, I'd litmus paper bunged into my gob to check for acidosis and it nearly went off the scale. So the sludge has made me slimmer, healthier and less inclined to turn vermilion in social situations. It's all good. I believe it also alters your palate. I'm less inclined now to have a pie and sometimes have an evening meal that doesn't include chips. If anyone out there is seeking a new diet, may I heartily recommend sludge.