SCHOOLS in Glasgow and elsewhere are on mid-term holidays, which is why many grannies have been on child-minding duties.

Angela Simms had taken the grandchildren ten-pin bowling at Braehead where she went to buy them some soft drinks and noticed the bar also served wine. When she asked what kind of wine, the girl serving said they had "red wine in wee bottles at £2.30".

Intrigued, Angela asked: "What kind of wine is it?"

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The girl stared at Angela and said: "Red, I telt ye."

Toilet duty

AND a mother was seen in a Glasgow fast-food restaurant yesterday with her two sons, and was heard to tell the older one: "Take your brother to the toilet."

Perhaps she wasn't the most trusting, or spoke from past experience, but she loudly added as the boys walked away: "And bring him back too!"

Feeling no pain?

THE chap in the Glasgow pub was being bought drinks by mates after his wife had given birth. Recounting the event, he told them: "When the wife was in labour the nurse came in and said: 'How about epidural anaesthesia?'

"So I told her, 'Naw you're alright hen, we've already picked a name."

Testing times

A STUDENT in Byres Road was being asked by pals how he had got on in an exam. "The questions were easy enough," he boldly told them.

He then added: "It's the answers I struggled with."

Stable diet

ENVIRONMENT Secretary Owen Paterson is to meet food industry representatives to discuss the horsemeat crisis. As reader David Donaldson asks: "Isn't this a classic case of locking the stable door after the horse has been bolted?"


A YOUNG waitress at a Glasgow burger joint is pleading for her customers to come up with some new patter. She says whenever she asks customers if they want anything on their burger, she wants them to know that they are not the first to tell her: "Five pounds each way."

Shop talk

ANYWAY, the Scottish Government's Rural Affairs Secretary Richard Lochhead announced a £1m campaign yesterday to bolster the Scottish meat business. Alison Campbell tells us that once Scottish stores have been given the all-clear over the horsemeat scandal, the campaign will consist of the Proclaimers singing their new anthem "Co-op nae mare, Asda nae mare, Morrisons nae mare."