SCHOOLS in Glasgow and elsewhere are on mid-term holidays, which is why many grannies have been on child-minding duties.
Angela Simms had taken the grandchildren ten-pin bowling at Braehead where she went to buy them some soft drinks and noticed the bar also served wine. When she asked what kind of wine, the girl serving said they had "red wine in wee bottles at £2.30".
Intrigued, Angela asked: "What kind of wine is it?"
The girl stared at Angela and said: "Red, I telt ye."
Toilet duty
AND a mother was seen in a Glasgow fast-food restaurant yesterday with her two sons, and was heard to tell the older one: "Take your brother to the toilet."
Perhaps she wasn't the most trusting, or spoke from past experience, but she loudly added as the boys walked away: "And bring him back too!"
Feeling no pain?
THE chap in the Glasgow pub was being bought drinks by mates after his wife had given birth. Recounting the event, he told them: "When the wife was in labour the nurse came in and said: 'How about epidural anaesthesia?'
"So I told her, 'Naw you're alright hen, we've already picked a name."
Testing times
A STUDENT in Byres Road was being asked by pals how he had got on in an exam. "The questions were easy enough," he boldly told them.
He then added: "It's the answers I struggled with."
Stable diet
ENVIRONMENT Secretary Owen Paterson is to meet food industry representatives to discuss the horsemeat crisis. As reader David Donaldson asks: "Isn't this a classic case of locking the stable door after the horse has been bolted?"
Bunfight
A YOUNG waitress at a Glasgow burger joint is pleading for her customers to come up with some new patter. She says whenever she asks customers if they want anything on their burger, she wants them to know that they are not the first to tell her: "Five pounds each way."
Shop talk
ANYWAY, the Scottish Government's Rural Affairs Secretary Richard Lochhead announced a £1m campaign yesterday to bolster the Scottish meat business. Alison Campbell tells us that once Scottish stores have been given the all-clear over the horsemeat scandal, the campaign will consist of the Proclaimers singing their new anthem "Co-op nae mare, Asda nae mare, Morrisons nae mare."
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article