EVERYONE is now sensitive about the content of food.
David Watson was in a pub near Glasgow's Kelvingrove Art Gallery which was advertising "Partick Pies" and he asked the barman what they were.
Trying to reassure him, the barman replied: "There's naebdy frae Partick in thae pies, pal."
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OUR tales of red wine reminds Graham Shaw in Kirkcudbright of the classic line of the lady at Glasgow Airport reporting that her suitcase had not arrived. The chap taking her complaint asked what colour it was and she replied: "Wine."
"Red or white?" he enquired.
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BIG success last week was East Renfrewshire Council's Electric Glen light show in Rouken Glen Park which attracted more than 10,000 visitors who bought tickets in advance.
A visitor on St Valentine's Day tells us: "An elderly couple in their 80s rocked up to get tickets and when it was explained to them that tickets were sold online they asked, 'What's online?' A young woman in the queue tried to explain the internet to them, totally befuddling them.
"She gave up and gave the couple her own two tickets and wished them a Happy Valentine's night."
A MAGAZINE article describing Edinburgh as a wasteland reminds Frances Woodward in Yorkshire of seeking directions at the main tourist information office in Edinburgh's Princes Street where she was told to turn right and then it was "downhill all the way".
Says Frances: "There was a slight pause and then she added, 'Metaphorically speaking, of course.'"
A TRENDY sight in Glasgow's west end is fathers carrying their baby in hippy-style cloth wraps around their chests. Writer Deedee Cuddihy tells us one dad had his baby in a wrap under his jacket as he took her for a walk in the early hours in the hope she would get off to sleep.
He was stopped by two police officers who, seeing he was concealing something, asked: "Would you mind telling us what you have under your jacket, sir?"
Says Deedee: "'A baby,' he replied, and unzipped his jacket so they could see for themselves. In response, the female cop went, 'Awwww' while her male colleague merely looked embarrassed."
GORDON Law was at the Irvine Meadow v Cumnock Junior Cup tie on Saturday when he heard the Irvine Meadow manager shout to his own striker: "Stop fouling!"
He was impressed by the sportsmanship until the chap next to him explained: "That's junior football talk meaning, 'Stop getting caught fouling by the ref.'"
THE exciting news in Scotland is Disney's Lion King coming to Edinburgh Playhouse for three months later this year. For some reason a fan phones to tell us: "Have you ever noticed the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away?"