RON BEATON from Dunblane was driving past a trailer last weekend with the sign "Horses in transit".

Below someone had written: "Why not? They're in everything else."

A free lift

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OUR story about the police stopping the chap in Glasgow with his baby under his jacket reminds a reader of being in the city centre when two officers threatened a rowdy drunk with being locked up for the night if he didn't behave.

"What's the charge?" shouted the aggressive drunk.

It went over his head when one officer replied: "Oh there's no charge. It's a free service."

Text message

NEW York stand-up Jamie Kilstein is appearing at Glasgow's Stand Comedy Club on Sunday, and we should warn those going to be careful not to text during his performance. A reader tells us of a previous gig by Jamie, who suddenly shouted at an audience member: "Are you texting about this? Put your phone away. Nobody cares what you think. Nobody has ever cared what you think."

We suspect many a reader would agree with Jamie on that one.

Cold comfort?

THE RUSSIAN town where windows were smashed by the meteor was being discussed in a Glasgow pub the other night when one toper declared: "Aye, ah bet they wished they had their iron curtains noo."

Lagging the lag

A READER at an Ayrshire golf club tells us the discussion in the club bar was the old argument about prisoners getting too soft a regime these days. While the old arguments were trotted out, our reader thought one golfer came up with a new line when he announced: "I saw a prisoner being taken to court last week, and because it was cold he had an electric blanket over his head."

God 1, Dawkins 0

EXCITING news for Scottish football with the return to Motherwell of superstar James McFadden. One highlight was his sensational winning goal against France in the European qualifiers. At the time former minister and journalist Ron Ferguson had been debating scientist Richard Dawkins's claim that God did not exist. When McFadden's goal arched into the French net, Ron's phone beeped with a text from his daughter watching the game which read: "Dawkins is wrong – there is a God."

Out on a limb

DAFT gag of the week? The chap who announced: "I was ordering some goods online and stupidly used my donor card instead of my credit card when giving my details. It ended up costing me an arm and a leg."

Fighting fires

AWARD-WINNING author Hilary Mantel has been criticised for apparently describing Kate Middleton as like a shop window mannequin with a plastic smile.

Our royal watcher tells us: "I'm not saying Kate's slow on the uptake, but when Prince William warned her not to look at the Mantel piece she spent the day avoiding fireplaces."