Latest news from the Large Hadron Collider is that we are all doomed.
Doomed, I tell you. Doomed.
The scientists who worked away studying particles whizzing round in that big £6 billion hole in Switzerland tell us the cosmos is "inherently unstable". I have long suspected this to be the case. Only last week in the queue at the Post Office I heard an auld biddy say to her pal: "I don't know what this cosmos is coming to."
Next time I see this auld biddy I can explain the problem is the cosmos is suffering from a wee touch of vacuum instability.
Dr Joseph Lykken of the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory in Geneva explains further: "What happens is you get just a quantum fluctuation that makes a tiny bubble of the vacuum the universe really wants to be in. And because it's a lower-energy state, this bubble will then expand, basically at the speed of light, and sweep everything before it."
Basically, a whole new universe will open up and replace the existing one. It's inevitable, like when a woman gets the living room wallpapered and buys a new three-piece suite when no makeover was necessary.
I wouldn't be surprised if Glasgow City Council has already granted planning permission for blocks of flats to be built on our bit of the old cosmos with remaining green areas covered over in red tarmac. We'll be decanted to a parallel universe during refurbishment. It's part of Glasgow's ambitious plan to regain its title as the second city of the cosmos.
The scientists are working out when the world as know it will end. Apparently it depends on the mass of the Higgs boson particle.
It could be billions of years hence. (Or the day after Scotland votes Yes for independence, according to the Better Together campaign.)
I think it's best to be prepared. My advice is take time off work to get your affairs in order. Have an affair with the barmaid from the Dog and Duck before it's too late.
Spend every penny of your ISAs. Max the credit card. Go on a cruise. Take the weans to Camp Nou in Barcelona to see Lionel Messi play. Give the wife a wedge of cash for a new sofa and some rolls of the finest wallpaper money can buy.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article