THE Oscar ceremony took place last night, which reminds us of the senior citizen who was in Groucho's independent music store in Dundee buying a DVD of the Oscar-nominated 1940s suspense movie The Spiral Staircase.

"The price has gone up," he told the assistant, who asked what he meant.

"It was only one 'n' six when I saw it in the cinema," the old fella replied.

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Net gain?

AS the debate over Scottish independence rumbles on, a reader points us to the website of an English newspaper which had been telling its readers what independence would mean for the rest of Britain. One reader had added in the comments section: "Does that mean we'll no longer have to support Andy Murray at Wimbledon?"


A TEACHER tells us that Primary Six pupils at St Ninian's in Gourock were using an incubator to hatch some chicks as part of a science project.

The little yellow bundles were as cute as you acn imagine, and the pupils were asked to name them. The names were just as cute such as Shelley and Eggward.

And then one young chap put forward: "KFC".

Taking a pulse?

A NURSE at Glasgow's Southern General tells us she was explaining to a recovering heart patient that his future health regime should include activity three times a week which got his heart beating faster.

"Like shoplifting?" he asked.

Symbol status

OUR political contact phones about Britain losing its AAA credit rating to tell us: "Liberal Democrat Business Secretary Vince Cable was on the BBC, describing the credit rating as 'largely symbolic'.

"So a bit like the LibDems in the Coalition then."

Faux pass...

AH, the follies of youth. A group of students in Glasgow were discussing a night out when much drink had been taken. However one of the group was adamant: "I wasn't that drunk."

His argument was shot down by a mate who chipped in: "You went up to your girlfriend and asked if she was single."

Mythical excuse

OVERHEARD bus conversations continued. A Muirend reader liked the style of the teenage girl on the bus the other day who told someone on her mobile phone: "No I wasn't ignoring you. I had to go out and walk my unicorn."

Epic fail

DAFT gag from the weekend? "My mate rang me and asked: 'What are you doing at the moment?'

"I said: 'Probably failing my driving test.'"