So I got with the programme and got a new phone ...
sorry, upgraded. Everything to do with phones has an exclusive parlance, it seems. A video call is FaceTime (or Hangouts or ooVoo or some such, depending on whether you're an Apple or an Android). FaceTime? Hilarious. What's a regular call? EarTime?
This phone is full of apps (what you call an application if you are incredibly busy and don't have time for the full word). Physically, it's a big adjustment. Gone are my trusty, big press-able 3D buttons, replaced by a flighty, flat screen where a keyboard appears fleetingly if you hold the phone at a particular angle. A keyboard for leprechauns, that is. For it seems I must have been muddling through life blissfully unaware that I'm particularly fat of finger. For every time I aim my digit in the direction of a letter, I manage to select one, if not all, of the surrounding letters, which has led to some particularly obscure, occasionally comedic, text messages.
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On the up side, the headaches have gone. My old phone display used to strobe so badly I had to check for epilepsy when I took it out in company. My new phone has also opened up communication in ways I'd never imagined. Overnight, it becomes my timepiece and somehow - I'm still struggling to fathom how - while scrabbling blindly for it, I managed to call an unknown mobile number at 3.45am. With mounting horror I watched a little green "calling" icon flash into life. I swiped and pressed and whacked like a fiend but to no avail; I couldn't stop the call.
Afterwards, as I lay in a cold sweat, I tried to recall all the unfamiliar numbers I had recently called or been called by. A mortgage adviser, an interviewee. Oh please don't let it be that stuffed shirt about the council tax. A text beeped.
UNKNOWN: "Who is this?"
(Cringe. How to explain in 25 words?)
ME: Er, sorry this is Marisa. I'm not sure who you are but I leaned on my phone and accidentally called your number. SO Sorry.
(Seemingly endless wait.)
UNKNOWN: No problem. I need to get up at 4 and my alarm didn't go off. Have a great day.
ME: Oh I'm so glad, Have a great day too.
UNKNOWN: This is Ed from London by the way. Where are you? I'd like to take you for lunch to say thank you.
ME: Er, Glasgow. Have a great day!!
Experiment with technology over. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to finish typing this up and catch the last post.