BUS passes for pensioners are greatly appreciated in Scotland, but they can be a bit tricky at first.

Robin Gilmour in Milngavie explains: "A friend of mine was telling me about the first time he used his bus pass. Having entered the charabanc he got himself in a right old muddle as to where he put his card, much to the frustration of the driver, not to mention folk behind him as it was raining.

"When at last he made his way towards his seat, a young lad, as my friend was passing, said, 'Your chauffeur's day aff, big man?'"

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Heads up on the city

AS ithers see us. German comedian Christian Schulte-Loh, appearing at Blackfriars Basement this Thursday as part of the Glasgow Comedy Festival, tells us: "Before I had ever been to Glasgow. I was told it is a rough place. When I had a Glaswegian girl in the audience in London, I asked her, 'Is it true that Glasgow is rough?'

"She replied, 'Well, last Saturday I walked home from a party and I found a human head in a bin. So I guess it's kinda rough.'"

Guard has some bottle

ST Patrick's Day yesterday, and Duncan Cameron, speaking at the St Paddy's Breakfast at the Indigo Hotel in Glasgow, said he was once told by Irish rugby legend Willie John McBride of a train stopped at Limerick station with the guard walking through the carriages shouting: "Is there an Irish priest on board?" When he got no response, he was approached by a Presbyterian minister who came out of the first-class carriage and asked if he could be of assistance, fearing it was a matter of life or death.

"I don't know," said the guard. "Do you have a bottle opener?"

Put you off your breakfast

INEVITABLY the trials and tribulations of Rangers were mentioned by Duncan at the St Paddy's breakfast. "A Celtic fan with a green and white scarf was stopped at the Ibrox turnstyle last week and asked why he was attending a Rangers game. 'I've given up football for Lent,' he replied," said Duncan.

Better spray it together

Referendum humour continued. Scots Tory leader Ruth Davidson joins in with her speech at the Scottish Tory conference where she claimed: "If Alec Salmond was caught spraying graffiti, he would blame the wall."

Like a broken record

WE asked for dating stories, and Matt Vallance in Ayrshire says: "In 1964, a girl named Sandra was the first I ever took home to meet my parents. A week later we broke up. After 43 years apart, following her divorce and the death of my wife, we met again and began dating. Earlier this year, a week after she had been at my home for a family celebration meal, we broke-up.

"Is this a record?"

Anonymous tip-off

SAD that TV chef Clarissa Dickson Wright has died. We remember when she was interviewed for The Herald and revealed a scurrilous story about former Labour leader Gordon Brown. When our interviewer queried its authenticity, Clarissa declared: "I have all the facts to back this up. I even had some of them confirmed for me by an Edinburgh taxi driver I met in AA."

And we don't think she meant the breakdown organisation.

Ire consequences

OUR political contact in London phones to tell us: "President Obama has warned Russia there will be consequences for their actions in Crimea. The consequences being Russia will get a little bigger and America will look a bit daft."