It was with a frisson of horror that I read this is likely to be a bumper year for midges.
Clegs and wasps are pests, but the Scottish midge is surely the most fearsome of foes. Kill one and three million turn out for the funeral.
In Scotland, the months dubbed summer are characterised by groups of outdoor enthusiasts scratching like dogs against a backdrop of stunning scenery. No outdoor soiree is complete without someone slapping themselves about the head in a bid to kill the beastie. For me, a camping trip to Argyll several years ago left me scarred - literally - after a run-in with a particularly aggressive west coast tribe of midge.
We arrived, like amateurs, at a scenic spot south of Lochgilphead just before dusk, also known as Midge O'clock. While my other half battled to get the tent up, I hopped a rain dance while being savaged by thousands of the blighters.
The place was called Otter Ferry and while he enjoyed the enchanting sight of a solitary otter bobbing about in the calm water, I found refuge inside the tent and refused to come out until morning.
The next day, as the hours passed, my desire to scratch off my own skin grew stronger. I had sustained so many bites that I appeared to develop some kind of allergic reaction. Each bite had swollen to the size of a pea. It was when the "peas" started to join together and fellow walkers began sheilding their children's eyes that I knew I was in trouble. Itching to high heaven, I bowed to the superior power of the midge and headed home.
Now, thanks to a mild winter and a warm, wet spring, experts are predicting this summer will be boom time for midges.
What to do? May I suggest that instead of tinkering with creams and suction machines to keep them at bay, perhaps we should admit defeat, change tack and recruit the hardy midge as our national mascot. After all, the midge possesses all the qualities on which we pride ourselves; tenacity, industriousness and the desire to eat, sorry, treat, every man as equal.
We should harness this natural resource. The energy involved when one midge propels itself towards a naked limb may not be significant, but one trillion midges travelling in the same direction? Surely this could power a small generator.
What about spray-painting them blue and white and teaching them to dance in formation to The Proclaimers as a spectacular Commonwealth Games opener? You read it here first.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article