"A friend was in a pub in Glasgow's Barmulloch when he was 15. Under the suspicious stare of the barman, his mate coolly asked for a pint of heavy. My friend, however, for some reason not wanting to emulate his pal, scrabbled around in his head for a grown-up drink, eventually settling for a Pimms No.6 that he'd once seen in his aunt's drinks cabinet in a more salubrious part of the city. Needless to say, this sad lack of forward planning led to a quick termination of the bevvy session."
AFTER The Herald news story about "white coat syndrome" whereby people give high blood-pressure readings because of being nervous in front of a doctor, Jim Slavin in Blackness muses: "As an occasional visitor to Golden Jubilee and Forth Valley Royal Hospitals, the only people I have seen wearing white coats have been the guys from Magee's Bakery delivering the rolls."
Hard to digest
AMERICAN comedian Dave Fulton, compering a show of American stand-ups at the Glasgow Comedy Festival on Saturday, loves coming to Scotland. But he admitted: "I was on Bath Street when I asked a local for directions. After he starting talking to me, my eyes drifted down to his stomach in the hope that subtitles would appear there."
COLIN Munro was in Larkhall when the elderly lady beside him was shouting across the busy main street to a pal who had difficulty making out what she was saying. Eventually the pal crossed over the road and declared: "Ken Wilma, am gettin' that deef ah canny even lip read." Colin is still trying to work that one out.
EXOTIC pronunciations continued. Says Norman Brown in Barassie: "While teaching at a secondary school in South Ayrshire, I was introduced to the new French assistant. When I asked her where she was living, she replied 'Moashleen'. It took me a few moments to realise that she was in fact staying in the genteel rural town of Mauchline."
OUR hotel tales remind Charles Currie of staying at a hotel on Bute where the breakfast menu included a "Chef's special". Says Charles: "On asking the waiter what the Chef's Special was that day, we were informed that it was baked beans in a tomato sauce."
Requests to die for
COMMONWEALTH Games are fast approaching, and Linda Dickson in Glasgow tells us that to be part of the opening and closing ceremonies you are required to provide proof of identity in the form of passport, birth certificate or whatever. She notices that on the form you have to put the date on which your identification document expires, but adds the helpful advice: "This is not applicable for birth certificates."
Mum's the word
MOTHERING Sunday yesterday of course - sorry, too late if you forgot - and a reader tells us he searched in vain for a card that would express the honest view: "Dear Mum. Thanks for lying to Dad about being on the Pill all those years ago."