ROBIN Gilmour in Milngavie tells us that a friend was telling his wife that he was thinking of joining the local ramblers' club.

"Is that walking or talking?" she rather unkindly inquired.

He can work it out

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BBC Alba is showing its gripping programme on teenager Tony Miller, the last person hanged in Glasgow for murder, tomorrow night - don't worry, all the interviews are in English, and well worth seeing. It features the youth's solicitor Len Murray who, in happier times, represented Paul McCartney when he was accused of growing cannabis plants on his farm near Campbeltown.

After the case - Paul was fined £100 - the former Beatle was asked by a reporter if perhaps the cannabis seeds could have been blown in the wind on to his land. Rather astutely Paul replied no, he would leave blowing in the wind to Bob Dylan.

Come-down to Uphall

POSH pronunciations continued. Stephen Duffy tells us he was once at a business meeting where the new boss, an Englishman of impeccable manners and bearing, announced that they were all invited to a strategy session being held in Youfal.

Says Stephen: "Afterwards there was some excitement - where were we going - Greece, Turkey? When the invitation arrived we were rather disappointed and deflated to learn it was Uphall, near Broxburn."

Falling flat

THE Ministry of Defence has announced that it has no plans to site missile launchers on the top of flats in Glasgow during the Commonwealth Games, as happened in London during the Olympic Games.

"They were probably worried that local youngsters would nick them," a reader phones to tell us.

Yum yum mum

BEN Verth was in a coffee shop in upmarket Marchmont in Edinburgh when he heard two young mummies discussing weight loss after childbirth. One of them came up with the memorable line: "I used to look good before I was pregnant with Jessica and I'd like to get that back. I just don't want to go 'ho hum!' and get trapped in the post-baby beefy milieu."

Answer that

HEARTWARMING messages don't always work in the west of Scotland. A Bishopbriggs reader tells us she copied a message she saw on an American website and texted it in a loving way to her husband. It read: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are crying, send me your tears. Love you."

He merely texted back: "On the loo. Please advise."

Real proof

WE asked about under-age drinking and Colin Campbell recalls: "I celebrated my eighteenth birthday in the Riverside Inn in Callander. Confused barstaff, on noticing the rather large '18 today' badge on my T-shirt, observed that I'd been drinking in there for about a year."

Just desserts

A COLLEAGUE feels the need to wander over and tell us: "Had a blazing row with a waiter in a restaurant and he threw a prawn cocktail at my head. Then he shouted, 'That's just for starters'."

Dear oh dear.