"I had arranged to meet Sue Townsend in the Groucho Club and was searching everywhere for her. I went into the bar and Bob Hoskins asked if I was looking for Sue and I barked that I was. He said she'd left a message that if a disgruntled Scots female turned up to meet her he should tell her to pull up a pew and buy her a drink because she had wandered off, but would be back.
"I said I didn't drink and he said, 'Jesus Christ, so that's the happiest you ever are?'"
Dog gone it
WE asked for your interview stories and Jack Mair in Cumnock reveals he was on an interview panel for a health service job where the chairman of the panel had his old dog with him. Says Jack: "The candidate who got the job had made a great fuss of the dog, and half-kidding made it widely known that he thought the only reason that he got the job was because he was kind to the dog.
"It was amazing at subsequent interviews how popular that dog became - some candidates even brought it treats."
ENTERTAINER Andy Cameron ponders the purchase of Turnberry golf course by weirdly coiffured Donald Trump, and asks: "Does the purchase of Turnberry by Donald "where's yer baldy bit" Trump mean that the rough on the Ailsa course will be combed over the fairways?"
All fright on the night
STUDENTS - we love their stories. A reader visiting Illinois was reading a local paper which included details of the calls the police had dealt with. He read: "An officer checked on a subject running down Cougar Lake Drive and stopped to make sure everything was OK. The student had just walked his girlfriend back to her apartment after watching a scary movie and was running back to his apartment after being frightened."
Got it cracked
Ukip leader Nigel Farage, not everyone's cup of tea it has to be said, had an egg smacked on his head by a protester yesterday. James Martin tells us: "Nigel Farage has been hit by an egg. Cold, slimy, and with an unpleasant odour, Farage is the leader of Ukip."
An egg scramble
SPEAKING of egg attacks, former Herald columnist Hugo Rifkind - Malcolm's boy - recalled that his favourite email from a reader when he moved to London was: "I was in a shop in Highbury when an odd-looking fellow rushed in, asked for some eggs, and said he would be back in five minutes to pay. I followed him out and saw Boris Johnson cross the street. Egg-man started throwing. Boris started effing and blinding and got in a cab, but got back out again to hurl some abuse. In all the excitement Boris fell over."
You can't beat the cut and thrust of British politics.
THE weather improving ever so slightly led to more joggers out on Glasgow's streets, but some of them do go on about their exercise regimes a bit. One such runner, in training for some marathon, was stopped as he entered his office the other day and told by a co-worker: "Unless you discovered a dead body, I don't want to hear about your early-morning run."
Living the dream
TALKING of the office, a chap in a Glasgow pub had a long drink from his pint before telling the fellow topers: "Turns out the recurring nightmare I've been having is actually my day job."