THE Barras Market continued.

George Ferguson in Castlecary remembers the chap selling lace curtains and tells us: "He had a helper who would collect the money and distribute the purchased netting as the salesman cut off the measured length of material. As all the crowd held up their cash above their heads shouting, 'I'll have 10 yards' or "Eight yards for me' a typical wee wummin piped up with, 'half a yard please'.

"Without pause for breath our hero's reply was, 'Half a yard hen? Very good. Are you treating the budgie?'"

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Give us a break

WE mentioned First World Problems -frustrations and complaints only experienced by the privileged in wealthy countries - and a Whitecraigs reader tells us: "I overheard a teenage girl tell her pals, 'It's so annoying. We only go to Portugal on holiday since my stupid dad bought a house there'."

Core values

AH the Scottish diet. Roy Gullane reports: "I was walking through Edinburgh yesterday when I overheard a mother tell her child, 'Yer no gettin' an aiple - ah've goat ye sweeties!"

Body of evidence

WHICH leads us to Scottish fitness. A chap in a Glasgow pub the other night was angrily telling his fellow topers: "Ah got stopped in Sauchiehall Street by a young wummin trying to sell me cheap gym membership. So to get rid of her I said I already had a gym membership. I didn't like the way she said, 'Really?'"

Coach class

FIFA announced the slogans for the team buses at the World Cup and we asked what the Scotland bus slogan should be if we had qualified.

Ewan Innes is surely being a tad harsh when he tells us: "Surely the Scotland bus would have 'Airport Express' on the side?"

And Ian Barnett re-writes a popular Tartan Army song and comes up with: "We'll be comin'. We'll be comin'. But we'll keep the engine runnin'"

Any more?

Footing the bill

TALKING of football, comedian Paul Sneddon is taking his Scottish football manager character Bob Doolally on tour to the three Stand comedy clubs in Glasgow, Edinburgh and Newcastle next month, and he was asked if there was any difference between the three cities.

As Bob he replied: "In Glasgow, people with money watch a football team with no money. In Edinburgh, people with money watch rugby. In Newcastle, no-one has money, including the football club."

Hard bargain

A READER getting the bus into Glasgow was much taken with a couple of pensioners behind him discussing a mutual friend. "She saw a pair of shoes she fancied in the charity shop, but said they were too dear."

"Too dear in a charity shop?" replied her pal. "What's she going to do, then? Rummage through bins?"

Foreign bodies

LIFE throws up some oddities. A Largs reader muses: "The heid bummer of 'foreign' company Pfizer is a Scot, whereas his counterpart with 'UK' company AstraZeneca is French.

"The hero of Glasgow Rangers Youth Cup win is called Liam Kelly while an opponent who scored against them is the delightfully-named Billy King.

"And only in our part of the world could the latter arouse more interest than the former."