The thing that always bothers me about Wolverine is this:
What does he do between beating up bad guys? Yes, I know he does that a lot. He's doing it again in cinemas this weekend (X-Men: Days of Future Past will be at a cinema near you. It's possibly on 10 screens at a cinema near you). But there must come a time when he isn't trying to skewer a felon with his retractable steel claws.
I mean, personally, I haven't been in a fight since I was 11 years old (as I recall, it didn't go well for me). And I don't think I'm that unusual. I don't imagine many Herald readers are getting into tear-ups after Antiques Roadshow of a Sunday night. (Now after Britain's Got Talent I could maybe understand...)
Loading article content
So it begs a question. What good are superheroic powers if you don't, as a rule, fight supervillains? I mean, what if you live somewhere - I don't know? Falkirk? Fife? Ecclefechan? - that has no nuclear facilities/parliament buildings/Banana Republic franchises. What then?
In other words, if you have admantium retractable claws what are they for other than snicker-snackering some luckless villainous goon? I suppose you could use them to reach that mushroom that's fallen in between the cooker and the dishwasher. But you wouldn't want to give in to the temptation to scratch that itch in the middle of your back you can't otherwise reach.
Yes, Professor X can read minds. Well, good for him. Presumably he'll "read" how everyone is thinking "what's that bald bloke looking at?" Or maybe, "did I turn the drier off when I left the house this morning". Imagining listening in to the mundane drivel that rattles around our heads most days. It would drive you mad. Is he mad? (I haven't seen the new film yet so I don't know.)
And sure, Magneto can twist and shape and rend metal. But then so can I. However, I've not gone drinking and driving since.
So as I don't live in one of those places with a nuclear power plant/parliament building etc etc - and since there aren't many supervillains hanging out near the Kelpies (Stan Lee, you're missing a trick there) - what powers would be actually useful in my day-to-day life? The power to suck up all cat hair off the couch maybe? The ability to instantly get a wi-fi signal when you're stuck up a hill? Or how about degunking the shower without the aid of a scrubbing brush and Dettol? Yes, that one. What about a name though. The Degunker? "He cleans up where no-one else dares go." That's a winner surely. Has anyone got Marvel's number?