I'D like to have a midlife crisis, I really would.

But I don't think I'm up to it. Besides, it doesn't seem to be nearly as much fun as it used to be, at least if a new survey is anything to go by.

The tell-tale signs these days aren't flash cars (shame), dallying with younger women (boo) or tacky leather jackets (oops).

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No, the 2000 adults surveyed by 4x4 makers Jeep found that signs of men reaching that pivotal point in their lives now include considering a tattoo, running a half-marathon and going to a festival.

I really should have had mine a decade ago, I suppose, especially if we are going to apply some sort of arithmetical logic to the midlife equation. Maybe I've missed the boat, although in my case it probably would have been a pedalo anyway.

However, if I'm going to start one now, let's make one thing clear: a tattoo is a no-no. I'm terrified of needles. How could I even contem­plate getting a dragon or a snake etched on to my skin when I get the heebie-jeebies at a flu jab? I might, at a pinch, manage a midge, so long as it was lifesize. But I doubt it.

As for running a half-marathon, forget it. I can barely drive that distance without my back giving me gyp. (My own fault; it's the legacy of my being foolish enough on Sunday to manhandle a fridge out of the house into the back garden in advance of a new one coming yesterday. It would have been easier to build an ice house.)

I suppose I could consider going to a festival. Not T in the Park, though. I'm hopeless with tents, and I hate mud. Unless we're talking about the group, of course. My Tiger Feet dance is the stuff of legend. If the producer of You've Been Framed had ever seen it, he'd have called it a day years ago.

I look further down the list of ­ tell-tale signs, and I begin to despair. There's things like getting a back wax and pondering a facelift in there. "The traditional image of a mid-life crisis is dead and buried," says a Jeep spokesman. "Nowadays it's more about living for the moment and leading an active and healthy lifestyle."

Hmm. Crisis? What crisis?

I really need to do something though. It doesn't seem right to skip this phase altogether. After all, I missed out on the MGB, and the 20-year-old girlfriend (I couldn't even manage that at 20).

Wait a minute, I see one, at No 13, that I could manage: drinking a daily probiotic drink. Actually, scratch that. Can somebody help me get me the damn cap off?