ALAN Barlow was chatting to a barmaid in Paisley who said she once worked in a Paisley pub that catered many funeral teas.

Says Alan: "These events were noted in the pub diary under the heading 'Purvey/Funeral'.

"A new barmaid started and was leafing through the diary when she opined that it was an awful shame that the Purvey family had lost so many of its members."

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Whisky galore

TOUR guides continued. David Campbell tells us: "On the coach journey from the ferry point at Craignure to Tobermory, the driver pointed out local landmarks including the garden of a roadside cottage which had, allegedly, the best lawn on Mull.

"He explained that the owner regularly sprayed his lawn with the finest malt whisky.

"Mind you," he said. "He drinks it first."

Twisted logic

SOMEONE in Surrey has placed a £400,000 bet on Scotland voting no in the referendum.

"Kind of makes you want to vote Yes," phones a reader in reaction to the news.

Still razor sharp

THE Herald interview with stage legend Stanley Baxter this week reminded Davie Adams of the halcyon days of radio and 'It's All Yours' with Stanley and Jimmy Logan.

Says Davie: "Playing the part of Mr Ballhead, floor manager in a city department store, Baxter is asked by the radio interviewer, 'And do you work in the toy department, Mr Ballhead?'

"Back comes the reply which has served the Adams family well for over 60 years when asked a stupid question, 'Well, I am not here fur tae pap arras at the weans' balloons'."

Slapstick genius

WE mentioned the sad death of comedy performer Rik Mayall, and reader John Dunlop recalls his company's 75th anniversary, when a steam train was hired to take the staff to Chester - and much imbibing of alcohol en route ensued.

Adds John: "During the dinner after we arrived Rik performed his outrageous slapstick comedy act the Dangerous Brothers with Ade Edmondson.

"Our bemused managing director assumed they were just drunks off the train.

"Very memorable, and all the funnier for the confusion."

Age of innocence

Out of the mouths of babes - a Lanarkshire reader tells us: "My big, and much older, sister celebrates her birthday next week.

"I think she looks pretty good for her age, but I'm not sure my six-year-old granddaughter shares my opinion, as I heard her tell a friend, 'My Aunt Margaret is 76 - and she's not dead yet'."

Why so blue, Terry?

So Hibernian have sacked manager Terry Butcher after less than a year in the job.

We turn to Twitter for reaction where Oldfirmfacts1 explains: "Terry Butcher sacked." "Nice one," says Rangers manager Ally McCoist. "I'm in the market for a new centre-back."

Pancake pieces

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt us with: "It's a nonsense. It's the best part of a year to Pancake Tuesday yet the shops are already full of flour, eggs and milk."