WHAT happens when mates try to be helpful.

A reader on a Glasgow bus heard a young chap discuss his new girlfriend with his pal, and express his concern that she maybe went to tanning salons a bit too often. However his pal tried to reassure him: "The good thing is, she's so orange that snogging her would count as one of your five a day."

Peak of his career

Loading article content

WE mentioned World Cup commentators, and Alastair McKenzie in Bearsden tells us: "I enjoyed this classic from the commentator after the French had scored yet another goal against the Swiss. 'And now, not for the first time, there really is a huge mountain between France and Switzerland'."

It's food and drink to him

BAR staff continued. Russel Duncan recalls: "Serving an English gentleman at my bar on Arran many years ago, I put his order on the bar in front of him. 'What's that?' he asked. 'It's what you ordered sir, a Cinzano,' I replied. 'No no, I asked for a cheese sarnie,' he told me."

Quick sip

AND Gerry MacKenzie was in a Yoker pub when a purple-faced, slightly worse-for-wear gentleman exploded through the door and lurched to the bar. Says Gerry: "'A hauf and a hauf pint a' heavy, please' he managed. The chargehand poured the drinks, and the customer slammed a fistful of very small change down and picked up the whisky and downed it in one. He had started on his half pint as the chargehand had finished counting the smash. 'Here', said the barman, 'there's only 68 pence here'.

"'That'll be aboot right' said the toper as he put down the empty beer glass."

Messi by name...

LIONEL Messi's great performances for Argentina in the World Cup remind David McVey of junior side Kirkintilloch Rob Roy having trials before last season, where one trialist was nicknamed "Messi". Hoping that there was a future star in their ranks a supporter asked a sub warming up if he was really that good. "Naw," replied the player. "It's the state he gets into when he eats. Food everywhere."

Making a point

OF course it's a bit confusing with Wimbledon starting while that football tournament is still in full swing. As a confused James Martin said yesterday: "Andy Murray is winning 15-0? I don't know much about tennis, but that seems like an absolute thrashing."

Calming cash

A CHAP in a Glasgow bar the other night was discussing the state of his finances when he came out with the memorable explanation: "Whenever I feel spontaneous, my bank account quickly reminds me to calm down."

Space invaders

THE spray foam being used by World Cup referees has been much discussed. As Michael Bruce in Garscadden tells us: "At the Eric Clapton concert in the Hyrdo I was sitting between a large sweaty (sorry, blooming) woman and a decidedly fat, beer-swilling guy, both of whom took up rather more space than the width of their seats. Now, if I had had a can of spray foam I could have drawn two lines ... "

Sharing experience

FAREWELL England from Brazil, and Robert White ruminates: "England's sharp exit allowed our neighbours a wee glimpse into what it is like to be Scottish by experiencing the same World Cup woes we used to endure."