WE'VE probably all had to bury someone by now.
And that means finding out how expensive it is.
Indeed, if you discount bread, milk, Greggs etc, everything is ridiculously expensive.
Every new hobby or object you fancy stymies you from the off with its price. "I'd like to sail the ocean wave in a yacht.
"Ah, here'e one for sale. Ye gods! I didn't know there was that much money in the world."
Not that burying people is a hobby. The price puts paid to that idea. It's even more galling that costs vary across the county, in a "postcode lottery", because of varying council costs.
Many people will be moving to East Renfrewshire now, as it has a special offer of just £715, whereas you'd have to put in a fair bit of overtime in East Dunbartonshire, which sticks its hand out for £2716.
And that's before you factor in the undertakers and coffin which, take it from me, make your eyes water and your wallet squeal.
Cremation is cheaper than burial but, whichever option you go for, by the time you've ordered the wee sausage rolls you're probably dead set for around four grand.
I think that's what the last one cost me and I don't do things with knobs on, though I did reluctantly concede handles for the coffin.
Occasionally, my thoughts turn to my own funeral.
I haven't set anything aside yet, as I'm confident genetic research will sort out all that death nonsense soon. So I might as well spend the cash on chocolate now.
I wouldn't want a ceremony anyway. I hate being the centre of attention. Several times, I've failed to show for events designed for my benefit.
There's no way I'm going to my own funeral.
You say: "What'll it matter? You'll be deid." I ken that. But it still gives me the willies. I'm bound to blush, even if they've given me an alabaster coupon.
I never threw a party in my life, so why start now? If you must grieve, treat yourself to a wee pie, think a couple of nice thoughts, then get off my case.
Consider the money you'll all save. There's the problem of the corpse, of course.
I don't fancy being incinerated — painful! — so just bung me in a black plastic bag and bury me under a tree. Go to Lidl.
Their bags are to die for.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article