A FEW folk were unhappy as former SNP leader Alex Salmond unveiled a portrait of himself in Edinburgh while the debate on bombing Syria to bits went on at Westminster. We liked the comment of one political observer who said: "Is the new portrait of Alex Salmond an oil painting? If it is he will be delighted. It will be far cheaper than he predicted last September."

THE problems of getting out for a pint. A chap in Glasgow being chided by mates for being late in the pub explained that his bus from the south side stopped at the bus garage to change drivers, but the driver couldn't get his wee door open as it had stuck and he asked for passengers to help. Our latecomer grabbed and pulled the door while the driver pushed - and it came off at the hinges.

When a pal said: "So how come you're late? You got the door opened," the thirsty latecomer explained: "They had to take the bus out of service as the wee door had come off, and we had to wait for another one."

SPORTSWEAR company Nike is bringing out self-lacing tennis shoes next year. In truth they are self-tightening shoes as they don't actually tie them in a bow but have wee motors inside to tighten the laces. However as one reader shrewdly observed: "If you don't have the energy to lace up your tennis shoes then I suspect that tennis isn't really for you."

BUYING your Christmas presents on-line? We return to product reviews on Amazon where folk occasionally have a bit of fun. Someone bought a Bic pen and wrote: "Worked fine with my right hand, but when I came to use my left hand my writing came out looking like the work of a complete imbecile. I can only assume Bic have created a right-handed only pen, and would caution left-handers to 'try before you buy'."

WHAT'S the world coming to? Our old friends at the Scottish TUC held a Placard Making Workshop yesterday for people taking part in protests. I'm sorry, but how difficult is it to daub a bit of paint on a board? Anyway, it reminds us of the reader who told us he was travelling on the London Underground when a heavily pregnant woman came on board with a placard stating "Stand, or I'll deliver".

OUR mention of Celtic player Peter Grant reminds Matt Vallance: "In one game at Rugby Park, Grant got into a verbal battle with Kilmarnock's Robert Reilly, with Grant finally reverting to the last ploy of the Old Firm player - the 'Loadsamoney' quip about earning power.

"Reilly told Grant that he could buy and sell him, so Grant asked ex-Ranger Davie Macfarlane, then playing for Killie, 'Is that guy right in the head, he says he could buy and sell me?' 'Grantie, he could', replied Macfarlane. 'He runs the biggest office equipment company in Scotland. He's a millionaire'.

"Grant's gas was suitably at a peep."

TALKING of Ayrshire, there was a bit of a snow flurry last Friday night. A local tells us: "Guests were leaving a wedding at New Cumnock's Lochside House Hotel when one woman from Glasgow wailed, 'Look, real snaw - we'll never get hame!' She was assured by a staff member that the one-inch coating of the white stuff covering the car park was considered 'a light dusting' in Ayrshire, and was hardly worth mentioning.

GLASGOW SNP MP Natalie McGarry, busy looking down the side of her sofa for the Women for Independence's cash, still had time to use social media to berate chancellor George Osborne's Autumn Statement. Wrote Natalie: "His gung-ho attitude to penalising people in work was disgraceful, economically illerate (sic) and wouldn't work." She might have to do a bit of work on her definition of illiterate.