BLACK Friday and the beast of consumerism roars and shakes its head, saliva stringing from its salivating jowls.
There's nothing gracious or refined about the notion of shoppers prowling a perimeter fence waiting for the gates to lift and the game begin, elbowing and, in some cases, stabbing others out of the way for a bargain deal on electronics.
This year internet sales during the 24-hour madness were expected to surpass £1billion for the first time in UK history. On Black Friday last year, British consumers spent £810m online - or £9,375 every second.
As an antidote to this modern melee, this mass desire for stuffs of no great life-enhancing purpose, bookshops are hosting Civilised Saturday. It's today, actually, and if you hurry you won't have missed it.
I generally find books the fix for all life's ills and purveyors the country's length seem to agree with me. Today, if your local bookshop has signed up, you might find butlers serving Prosecco. Another is offering tea, cake and hand massages in a green velvet armchair.
The idea seems to be that you hold up a polite two fingers to the notion of smash-and-grab overconsumption by sitting quietly with a good book and a pot of tea. I'd like to spend my life sitting quietly with a good book and a cup of tea so I'm all aboard.
Civilised Saturday should be compulsory. But why stop there?
The first Sunday immediately following a teenager's prom will be Selfieless Sunday. Prom is another gruesome American import, ousting the Leavers' Dance and preventing 17-year-olds the dubious joy of laying odds on who'll be sick first. Props to the kid who gets so drunk in their own bedroom they never make it out of the house and extra points to the attention seeker who voms up the steps of the local town hall/minor chain hotel.
Of course, booze is still a heavy component of Prom. It's just that Prom comes with added pressures. No one needed a floor-length gown, a limousine, professional hair and make up, a corsage or a date for the Leavers' Dance.
On Selfieless Sunday, all Prom-goers will be required to spend eight full hours volunteering while their smartphones and other electronic attractions are held in a safe until all tasks are successfully completed and the lesson learned that sequinned corsetry has a special place and that special place is not on a 17-year-old.
Purple Tuesday is the antithesis of all Orange Walks. It will be known colloquially as the Purple Dancing. "Are you coming to the Purple Dancing?" Wear purple, dance, preferably near an Orange Lodge, even more preferably near an Orange Parade. I doubt it'll put them off but it will be infinitely more satisfying and pro-active than tutting and shaking your head while your Irish friend is too afraid to open his mouth.
Wedlock Wednesday will fall on the first Wednesday one week and one year before a couples' wedding. The happy pair will be introduced to a reasonable yet persuasive feminist (I am available) who can explain in simple terms why weddings are a general nonsense and make helpful suggestions ie "And why doesn't he take your name?" "Have you thought about why you want to dress up as a virginal princess when you're an adult woman with a career and a colourful backstory?" "Children? You two? Really?"
Pavement Thursday is apropos of nothing. It will become a much-beloved annual tradition that pedestrians will keep to the pavements on Pavement Thursday. Perambulators the country over will desist from the mad dash-and-giggle behaviour that sees them eschew the safety of pedestrian crossings for the adrenaline pump of chancing it. Why is that when people have a go at running across a busy road and are nearly struck by passing traffic, they chortle as if they've been up to mischief that would make Nanny frown rather than feel awash with shame at being so bloody stupid?
Pavement Thursday will not be the day to find out the answer.
There will be positive reinforcement to reward good behaviour on Pavement Thursday in the form of not being hit by vehicles or bicycles.
For every thesis there is an antithesis. Friday will be Freethinking Friday. It can be called as a revolt to any situation where the madness of crowds has prevailed.
No advertising, no consumerism, no celebrities; on Freethinking Friday only original thought and unique action will be allowed.
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