IT’S TIME for ‘dental devo max’ – a new concept to allow Scotland’s latest export to become smiles. Hopefully that’s enough to give you a wee grin, thereby beginning the proving of my point. A recent survey calibrated the world by its smiles and Hong Kong, sadly, came last.
This Smiling Report was put together by an organisation of Mystery Shoppers, which anonymously collects customer experience data. It found only 48% of people walking into Hong Kong’s stores received a beaming welcome, gifting the city an unmysterious wooden spoon. Media probes have ensued, asking why Hong Kong is so grumpy. The general conclusions: plunging retail sales, a frustrated desire for democracy, fear of Chinese influence. To which I add: No one says cheese, as there’s little tradition of consuming dairy.
And, indeed, Hong Kongers are embarrassed that the China mainland came higher up the index – smiling its way into 26th position. (Whether or not customers reciprocated this good humour wasn’t noted. After smiling, mainland sales assistants are prone to stalk you round the store. If you’re learning any Mandarin for a trip, do practise ‘I’m just looking’.)
What piqued me, though, is that Ireland topped the Smiling Ranking, with 97% of customers receiving a grin upon arrival. Eh? Our Celtic rival has all the disadvantages of we Scots: red hair, freckles, rain and, also, potentially tooth-staining Guinness and yet they’re still happy and they show it?
Ireland, I contend, is stealing our thunder. Colloquially, not facially. Scotland isn’t a separate country but for the purposes of the toothy advantages this nation might not realise it has, I’m opting for ‘dental devo max’, separating Scottish smiling from Westminster.
What Scottish city first municipally recognised the value of a beaming grin? Glasgow, that’s where. The Glasgow’s Miles Better campaign may be a bit long in the tooth now but it was sharp before its time. Key here is that logo featuring Mr Happy looking trippily blissed out. It means Glaswegians have grin heritage. Which gives us grin economic potential. The Mystery Shoppers have catalogued all the world states and cities that lack jolliness. Surely it’s easy for Glasgow to package up its smiling skillset and encourage civic visits and city links. Charge for smile coaching from Scotland and call it "Beam me up, Scotty". It’s a tooth fairy to Glasgow’s economy.
Sound crazy? Things are changing. The Glasgow accent was voted the sexiest in Britain by Americans a few months ago, in a British Airways poll. Though none of Hillary Clinton’s campaign ads have yet been given a Glasgow voiceover to increase appeal to voters (I am assuming Trump would be against such vocal immigration) it marks a willingness by the world to change its attitude towards Scotland. No more kilts. No more football. No more, for the better acquainted, Scotland defined as a repository of midges. No more Glasgow as the unhealthy capital of Europe. Instead Glasgow: City of Smiles and Sexy Voices. A city linked with being chipper, not chippies.
I long for the time I walk into a Hong Kong shop, and the trickle-down effect of a merry Glaswegian makeover manifests itself. A big smile and Scottish accent offering "Dim sum, darling. Goan yersel".
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