AUTHOR Ian Pattison muses on modern life when he commented recently: "Went shopping the other day in Glasgow. Had to use the toilet. On entering noticed a bucket under a broken urinal. A tap missing from the sink. A cubicle marked 'Out of order.' And a broken hand drier.

"The store is one of the biggest DIY outlets.

"I had a punch line for this story but it fell off."

OH dear. Celtic manager Ronny Deila is getting some stick from fans after the team's lacklustre performance in the Scottish Cup. Thom Cross in Carluke channels singer Tom Jones as he croons to us: "Why why why De ila? Why oh why De ila?

"O please just go, before they break down the door. Oh Ronnie Deila, we just cannot take anymore!"

WE mentioned Hansard, the record of Parliament, having to cope with Scottish sayings. Christine Pacione points us towards a recent speech by SNP MP John Nicholson talking about the West Highland Way which Hansard dutifully recorded: "It is an adventure, it has to be said, that many begin in some discomfort in Milngavie. The Romans may have instituted indoor water closets - 'cludgie-orums', as they were known locally in Latin - but the council has yet to catch up on Roman plumbing, refusing to provide a lavatory."

Cludgie-orums - I must have missed that lesson in Latin.

WE have often asked how readers cope with unsolicited calls from marketing companies. One tells us: "If you answer the phone and say, 'Hello, you're on the air' most telemarketers will hang up quickly."

TRICKY business this wine tasting. Reader John Mulholland tells us: "I had lunch in a Glasgow city centre restaurant where the very nice and polite young waiter from the Black Isle asked if I would like to taste the wine. However, I declined and said that as the bottle had a modern screw-top, the wine wouldn't suffer from 'cork-taint.' The waiter said, 'Yes, sir, but we had a batch of wine recently which tasted sour because the screw-top seals were faulty. I suppose we need a description other than 'corked' for that.'

"I thought for a moment and said, 'How about 'your wine's screwed'?"

DIFFICULT to know what to eat and what not to eat with all these health scares surrounding sugar, fat, saturates and goodness knows what else. A reader tries to simplify it for us bystating: "The key to eating healthy is avoiding any food that has a TV commercial."

A CHAP having a pint in a Glasgow pub at the weekend told his pals: "Had a close call. I was looking through some old photographs and blurted out to the wife, 'You used to be really attractive'. I noticed she was then giving me the death stare so I quickly added, 'But not as attractive as you are now'. Think I got away with it."

CHRIS Coltrane gets in touch to explain trickle-down economics to us. "It's easy," he says. "Rich people make money. It 'trickles down' to offshore banks. And the Government closes libraries and hospitals."

A COLLEAGUE wanders over with a puzzled look on his face. "Scots are supposedly three stone heavier than they were 50 years ago," he says. "Of course we are - we're fifty years older!"