How does Gareth Bale keep his man bun in place for a whole match?
I just did Body Attack, a tough gym class. It was 45 minutes and resulted in hair disarray. Bale’s bun lasts twice that long and, even assuming he re-tightens at half time, it’s impressive hair form.
I might actually watch the Wales v Russia match today – and the fact I know the schedule of Euro 2016 is, quite honestly, due to being fascinated by the staying power of Bale’s hairstyle. I know it’s not the first time a woman has admired a footballer’s tight buns, but I’m no aspiring WAG.
It’s not just the match I want to monitor. It’s also the bit in the tunnel beforehand, when the camera follows the teams jumping up and down and flexing things. Will we, at this point, see Bale twisting his man bun into shape?
Will the TV cameraman zoom in, keen to see the intricate skills being shown by Bale’s left and right hands? What ponytail elastic does he use? Or if not, I know the footballers sometimes hold hands with kids coming out of the tunnel. Is it ever a little girl? Surely she’s going to ask: "Mr Bale, your keepie-uppie is good. How?"
"Aw thanks, sweetie, it’s all about thigh control."
"No, keepie-uppie-ing your man bun?"
I cannot be alone in wanting to know. It’s incredibly hard to get any "up-do" to stay put, and hair how tos on You Tube for "messy buns" have millions of views.
There are a lot of women like me out there, and if they realise a Wales match is effectively one long tutorial on how to do a hard-wearing bun, there’s going to be a lot of us on the terraces in months ahead. There might even be new female football songs:
Who tied all the ties, who tied all the ties?
You tight bunster
You tight bunster
You tied all the ties.
If nothing before the Wales-Russia match yields any bun intel, here’s hoping Bale scores, and, untypically, with a header. Whilst that would also demonstrate whether or not his man bun withstands the force of a ball bouncing off it – you never know what the day will bring, ladies – it also increases the chance of him being interviewed after the match.
Surely, someone -a savvy sportscaster, a pundit who sees the bigger picture - must realize the question half the world is eager to ask: "Gareth, how do you make that man bun stick?"
"It’s partly about condition, man. It’s end-to-end stuff."
Then, the follow up: "How about your grips? No, not the ones on your football boots. Your Kirby grips. As in hair pins. How many? How deeply pushed in?"
In the event of Bale ever sustaining an injury – touch wood, and there’s handily lots of footballers’ heads around – he could post some GoldenBuns Tutorials of his own on You Tube.
Meantime, I hope Bale’s agent starts pursuing hair accessories endorsements. It will do his bank account even more good, and let us ladies in on some secrets. It might even yield a sports story, if it turns out he puts his bun in a hair net.
The headline, of course, would have to be: Bale finds net in every match.
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