Stavros has run up a huge bar bill, Jean Claude (not Van Damme - the other one) gave him a great credit card with a zero per cent interest introductory offer and he used it to the full. He had hoped to retire at age 53 from his Government job on an index linked pension. This will not be happening. His card is now maxed out and some foreigner called Wolfgang keeps phoning him for money. Stavros cannot pay the money back - Stavros is bust. He thought these foreigners were nice but doesn’t any more, he would like to leave their silly club but can’t. Nobody wants his olives and he has nothing much else to sell. At least the sun is shining.

Dave, Dai and Hamish have collectively decided they are leaving the club. They did this while they were drunk so are not quite sure if this is what they really should have done. Hamish in particular thought he had put his tick (or was it a cross?) in the other box. Yes/No was so much easier to understand. When he got home Hamish got absolute hell from Nicola. He is now trying to persuade Dai and Dave that their 300 year old blood brother thing is old hat and he should be allowed to stay in club Angela - he does not want to be bitten by Nicola again.

Francois has a problem but his actual problem is that he doesn’t realise he has a problem. This may be because he only works a 35 hour week. He thinks his country is at the top table but in fact it is slipping back fast. His countrymen don’t like the 21st Century so he has decided to cancel it. Spending €10,000 a month on hairdressing will not save him.

Mario R is smarter - he knows he has a problem. His difficulty is that he can’t get anybody to do anything about it - nobody pays their taxes, economic growth is feeble and the population is aging fast. His secret problem, but unfortunately not as secret as it was - is that his banks are bust. This is a real problem. Luckily Mario R has a cousin called Mario D who has an enormous stack of other peoples’ cash. As long as Mario R’s wife isn’t rude to Mario D’s at the annual family get together in Davos all should be well - fingers crossed but in fact the Italian economy is stuffed.

Mark and Donald are really sensible, speak excellent English and have common sense plans about how the club can be reformed so that it actually works. Their problem is that nobody listens to Dutch or Polish people . They are genuinely sorry that Dave and company are leaving the club.

Nicolai knows that nobody listens to him but all he wants to know is that if Ivan hits him again the club will help. In fact he is getting his clubs mixed up - the only club which matters in that respect is the one with Uncle Sam in it.

Dagmar is in a serious bind. All she wants to do is sell BMWs to the Brits but now the idiots are leaving the club - this difficulty can be overcome. What is more annoying is that Dave, Dai and Hamish used to go 50/50 with her on the club’s bills and now she will have to pay all the bills by herself. Which brings us back to Stavros - Dagmar is going to have to clear his credit card.

Pinstripe is a senior member of Scotland's financial services community.