THE football season has begun, and a sports reporter tells us he was challenged by an over-enthusiastic steward to prove he was a member of the Press at a sparsely-attended game last week. He tells us: "It reminds me of The Herald's late great sports writer Ian 'Dan' Archer who was similarly stopped at a ground and asked to prove who he was. Dan simply leaned towards the steward and replied, 'Do you honestly think I would want to be here if I wasn't being paid to do so?'"
THE Herald news story that film actor Clint Eastwood had praised Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump for being “on to something” reminds us of when some Glasgow businessmen on a golfing jolly to the exclusive K Club golf club in County Kildare, Ireland, noticed that Clint was also a customer in the club's bar. After a few drinks one of the Glasgow chaps thought it would be a good idea to go over to Clint, and using Clint's classic Dirty Harry line, asked: "Clint, could you make my day?"
Clint replied: "No. But you could sure make my day by shutting up."
I MENTIONED how few jokes there were about rheas, the close relative of the ostrich which had escaped near Patna in Ayrshire. Naturally Herald readers came to my rescue. Says Finlay Dow in Lennoxtown: "When I was a young man in the Merchant Navy the old hands used to yarn about the Rhea sisters in foreign parts - Dia, Pia and Gona. Took me a while to work it out!"
SCOTS on their travels don't always do their best at countering our less favourable national stereotypes. Helen Aitchison in York overheard a Scottish customer at her local Tesco cafe asking if she could have the chicken salad - but without the salad and with chips instead. Shockingly, the answer was no.
OUR obsession with the American Presidential election continues. Dan Kaszeta suggests: "Reality TV idea: We build a fake White House and put Trump in it and tell him he's President. Film the whole thing."
YES, the good news or the bad news, depending on your view, is that the Edinburgh Fringe begins today. Shappi Khorsandi, travelling up from England to take part, told followers on social media: " On train to Edinburgh Festival, and am so excited about show and hanging out with all the comics that I can't breathe! I really hope that's the reason."
WE'VE had a few parenting stories recently which is why a reader in Busby gets in touch to say he heard a woman in a local tea shop announce to her pal: "I think I'm getting good at this parenting malarkey. I managed to eat three chocolates while the kids were in the same room and none of them noticed."
TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from John Fidler who says: "Trying to save money on cereal, but I can't find Normal K anywhere."
RUSSELL Leadbetter ran a competition on lying in The Diary and he tells us the winner was Frances Woodward in Yorkshire for her "Chardonnay?’ That's a lovely name for a new baby”. Russell says her prize of a bottle of gin "is in the post".
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