A RETIRED teacher in Argyll completes the crossword in the magazine of the General Teaching Council for Scotland which is sent out to teachers, and sees that the main word spelled out in the puzzle is "literacy". She then reads the small-print that people wanting to try to win the holiday prize have to submit completed crosswords by "September 31". "It's numeracy, not literacy, that they should be concerned about," she tells us.

THE death of American comedy actor Gene Wilder reminds an official at the Tate Gallery in London of a shy but polite Gene once visiting the gallery where he signed an autograph for an attendant who told him her name was Catherine. Said the official: "Since the attendants rotate their positions, he unexpectedly saw Catherine again up ahead. Shyness banished, and now in performance mode to the astonishment of visitors nearby, he yelled, 'Catherine! How are you? You don’t write, you don’t phone!' She was thrilled."

SAYS reader Scott Barclay: "With The Herald reporting that teachers should cut out jargon in their reports, I guess this means the death of a report I read when a young teacher in the seventies. 'Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them'."

WE liked the response of presenter Dara Ó Briain, who fronted the remake of Robot Wars which was filmed in Glasgow. A fan asked him on social media: "Everyone says the arena is cold. How cold is it honestly?"

Replied Dara: "A 'warehouse in Glasgow in January' cold."

WE mentioned world record-breaker cyclist Mark Beaumont appearing at the Edinburgh Book Festival, and a reader who was there tells us: "For cyclists in the audience, Mark gave away some of his long-distance cycling tips and tricks, which included stashing a spare $1,000 in his seat just in case. He then paused and added, 'Probably not a good trick of the trade to give away actually. Don’t steal my bike'.”

BIG news story was the the Apple Corporation has been ordered by the EU to pay the Irish Government €13bn. in back tax. Irish bookies Paddy Power is perhaps not taking the news too seriously as it told its followers on social media: "Apple reportedly owe Ireland €13bn. in tax. The Government plan to stick it behind the bar and give the nation one massive session."

READER John Henderson tells us: "They say millennials are avoiding sex - and this could well be true, if the story I heard tonight in the pub is to be believed. Young man getting along in the early days of a new relationship, and begins to ask the sort of questions you would do, such as ‘What’s your favourite position in bed?’ Only to get the reply, ‘Near the wall, so I can use my iPhone while it charges'."

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from writer David Baddiel who says: "Re moth trying to get into my fridge last night as I closed the door: I felt an odd sadness that had it succeeded. The light would be out."

ANOTHER colleague returns from his holidays and seeks me out. "My wife woke up with a massive smile on her face this morning," he almost shouts.

I wait. "I just adore the weans' felt tip pens," he added.

.