COMMUNISM versus WAGS (wives and girlfriends). I know where my money is going. Are we on the cusp of fake tan triumphing over censorship? I don’t know much about sport but even I have heard about footballers being offered up to one million pounds a week to play in China.

Most comments have been about the size of salaries and quality in the Chinese Super League. What if a bevy of footballers’ WAGS eventually come east? First, they will be introducing WAG culture to China. There’s a history of concubines and there are rumours of mistresses but few famous wives and girlfriends of sports stars.

This may be because, until recently, China’s best sport was table tennis. Ping pong WAGS? I don’t think so. To any WAGS of the traditional European variety – bronze, blonde, stiletto-heeled – who come to China this season or next, here are some tips. (Not for your nails.) Being suntanned isn’t cool in China. Being very white is.

So, ditch the fake habit or, if you can’t, BYOB. Bring your own bottles, several suitcases full. You will be fine on the hair front – blow dries are cheap and big. Don’t worry about feeling homesick.

Chinese developers already replicate entire Western towns. They will quickly throw up a Knutsford East, Most Prestigious Exclusive Wilmslow or, best of all, Cheshire’s Golden Triangle, once they clock the gaudy decoration and realize there is resale potential from China’s many safety pin and toilet bowl factory new millionaires. This, frankly, is a motivation to develop footballing talent in Scotland. If such talent then received offers to play in the Super League, homebuilders would replicate Scotland’s posher parts in China. We’d have Red Busby, and the West End East. Colonies!)

More words to the wise, sorry WAGS. Identify opportunities to make money. For example, there was an American TV series called WAGS. Chinese viewers love US shows, watching them on streaming platforms. Why not secure backing from a company trying to get Chinese women to buy more Western grooming products, and steal the format? WAGS in China, sponsored by Veet?

But be careful of your man, and your tribe. If Chinese women start coveting being a WAG they’re going to be making competitive tackles. You then become an ex-WAG and, worse, the global WAG-standard changes from a too-tanned Northern lingerie model to a porcelain-skinned Shanghainese; on your watch. You’re going to be in trouble back in Liverpool.

Will all this happen? Probably not, because of Chinese censorship. Whilst lots of WAGS are glamour models, many are also bloggers with a “personal brand”. Who is not going to be happy when she realises attempts to increase Instagram followers and Facebook likes are obstructed because these websites are banned? Exactly. WAG-dissent is what will put off more European footballers from playing here.

If China wants a world-class football scene, it must relax censorship or face off against an unpredictable challenger. And President Xi: Kim Jong Un is nothing compared to a fake-tanned lifestyle blogger WAG thwarted from building her Instagram.