Driving them demented
OUR story about old drivers reminds George Marshall in Glasgow: “My parents live in a small village in Ayrshire where an eccentric old couple used to drive to church in a bright yellow VW Beetle. In his later years the husband’s eyesight was failing so badly that his wife had to give him directions and warn of obstacles en route.
“It made for quite a sight as the car rolled though the village at a blistering five miles an hour. Mind you, it gave you plenty time to get off the road before they came past.”

Knuckle down
A GLASGOW reader swears to us he was in his local at the weekend where a chap with “Love” and “Hate” tattooed on his knuckles said he had got a quote to have them removed but it was very expensive. When he asked if there was a cheaper alternative the  tattoo remover said: “You could get a job in a milliners, and I’ll simply change the final ‘E’ to an ‘S’.”

Story rings a bell
THE company Freeflush has gone through Met Office statistics to show that Glasgow is the third wettest city in Britain. It of course reminds us of the Glasgow girl phoning her dad and saying it was bucketing down and could she get a lift home.
“Where are you ringing from?” he asked. “From ma coat through to ma knickers,” she replied.

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Killer line
WE  like Mrs Brown’s Boys creator Brendan O’Carroll’s colourful description of his time in Borstal after being caught shoplifting. He told the Radio Times: “I was no fool. On my first day there, I was in the canteen and the older boys said, ‘So what are ya in for?’ and I said, ‘I killed me Da.’ And they said, ‘What?’ And I said, ‘I killed me Da. I stuck a pen through his eye.’ And nobody came near me.”

Making a song and dance of it
WE mentioned the death of rock’n’roller Chuck Berry and David Watson recalls seeing him in Glasgow three times. He says: “Each concert was more chaotic than the previous. The third at the Apollo saw Chuck sing the first three numbers without his guitar being plugged in.This was corrected once he eventually understood the collective baying of the audience.
“On then breaking a string and gesturing seemingly forever for a replacement, a poor wee helper was despatched on stage carrying a new string still in its packet.  Chuck verbally gave the unfortunate both barrels which resulted in a replacement instrument being quickly rendered which then had to be tuned.”
Yes it’s only rock and roll.

Punishing Vera
WE wanted to mention singer Vera Lynn’s 100th birthday, so blame Phil Swales who declares: “What is Vera Lynn having for her birthday dinner?
“Whale meat, again.”

Beach bar
BEACH Boys veteran Brian Wilson will be performing their great album Pet Sounds at Glasgow’s Kelvingrove Park this summer. Says a Hyndland reader: “That reminds me of the old joke, ‘The Beach Boys walk into a bar. ‘Round?’ ‘Round’. ‘Get a round’. ‘I get a round’.”

Faking it
FAKE news online: Kelly Meldrum explains: “Studies show that if you begin a sentence with ‘Studies show’,  the internet will believe you.”