The minister’s service

THE Herald’s archive picture of famous Burns speaker, the Rev James Currie, reminds Eric Hudson in Bearsden: “In one Immortal Memory he told of taking his car to a garage for a service - the Burns connection evades me! - and he said to the mechanic, ‘Don’t charge me too much, I’m just a poor minister.’ The mechanic replied, ‘Aye, ah ken. I heard you on Sunday’.”

Chip from the old bloke

OUR tales of elderly golfers brings the claim from entertainer Andy Cameron: “After a hip operation I reckon I’m five weeks away from returning to the golf course, and I have a goal - I want to shoot my age, 76.

“Shouldn’t take me long.... nine holes I reckon.”

And Andy couldn’t help adding: “Talking of the hip replacement, I recommend the NHS. They give you the old one home for the dug!”

Business as usual

JOHN Henderson was watching an American news channel where shootings in Chicago were being discussed. On screen was a chap being interviewed outside a bar, with the caption “Bar Worker Shot”.

John’s attention was drawn to the illuminated sign above the pub’s door which stated “Bartender Wanted!!”

“They don’t waste any time,” says John.

Taking the heat

NICE weather for May. A reader sums up many a conversation at this time: “It’s nice out...but not quite warm enough to sit outside.”

Temperature rises by one degree. “No, too hot.”

His last supper

BEFORE we close the stable door on police horse stories, Gerry MacKenzie reminds us of the classic: “I was policing a match at Hampden when one inebriated chap, wolfing on a pudding supper, got fed up being dunted into line and hurled the black pudding at the offending police horse. The pudding smacked the mounted officer square on the shiny buttons, just as the culprit flung away the brown paper wrapper.

“He cantered over, stretched down and grabbed the guy by the collar, who screamed, ‘It wisnae me’. ‘Show’s yer teeth’ demanded the cop. The ned offered up a hideous smile and the mountie roared ‘Yer teeth are a’ puddin.’ He got the pokey.”

Daisy fae Buchanan Street

WE turn to social media for an insight into what’s happening in Glasgow, and Richard Laird comments: “Woman walking down Sauchiehall Street smoking from a cigarette holder. The once proud working class city of Glasgow has gone full Gatsby.”

Phone it in

COMEDIAN Johnny Mac, a stalwart of the Pavilion pantos, is joining Elaine C Smith at the King’s Theatre panto this year. We liked his observation the other week: “Pure Gym, Charing Cross, Glasgow, should be called, ‘We let people come in and sit on gym equipment and look at their phones’.

“Maybe not as catchy.”

What a doll

TRUMP continues his craziness in America. James Martin comments: “Fitting that Trump’s links with Russia seem to involve a little lie, inside a slightly bigger lie, in another larger lie...”