Piping down

PIPE bands continued. Reader Neil tells us: “I was playing at the Royal Concert Hall in Glasgow, and one of the other acts was the Shotts and Dykehead Pipe Band. The band came on stage for the afternoon rehearsal without any pipes or drums as they had won the World Championships the day before and they couldn’t bear the noise because of their hangovers.

“Come the evening they put on a show worthy of world champions complete with instruments.”

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Pregnant pause

THE Herald archive pictures of Glasgow dance halls reminded golfers at an Ayrshire club of going to the Locarno in Glasgow with one of them recalling the great line of his pal who asked a woman to dance.

Because of his youthful appearance she haughtily replied: “I don’t dance with a child!” which allowed him say: “Sorry, I didn’t realise you were in that condition.”

Einstein for parents

MORE on bringing up teenagers as a Newton Mearns reader phones to ask: “If, as Albert Einstein once said, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, should I just stop cleaning my children’s rooms until they’ve gone off to university?”

Atmospheric changes

TERRIBLE delays for British Airways passengers at the weekend. It reminds Ian Craig of waiting at Edinburgh Airport for a flight where fellow passengers began reminiscing about the days of flying when there was a smoking and non-smoking section on the plane. Ian admits he did laugh when one of them opined: “That’s a bit like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.”

Just the start

A READER tells us a friend has just gone back to work after paternity leave. So our reader asked him how it had been, and although he said fine, he did add that two weeks was not the right amount of time off. “Did you want longer?” asked our reader. “No, shorter,” he replied.

Long and the short of it WE seem to have opened the cubicle of public toilet stories and Bill Mitchell tells us: “Official sign on wall of gents’ in New York, ‘Stand closer, it ain’t as long as you think.’ I love New York!”

Added angst

A READER was in a supermarkert in Maryhill when he overheard a chap muttering, as he read the back of a packet: “Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the arithmetic.”

Culinary competition

WE asked what you did at school but never did since and Moira Campbell says: “We used to have a competition in the dining hall to see which table could get a spoon to stand up the longest in what passed for custard,” and Jack Petrie in East Kilbride recalls: “Taking a lump of chewing gum out of my mouth, pulling it apart, and giving a piece to my pal.”

Marriage tips

RELATIONSHIP advice – a Merchant City reader says he heard a toper in his local bar tell his pal who was about to get married: “If you want to know about marriage, it’s a bit like a museum. You have to be quiet, and you can’t really touch anything.”