On the up and up

A READER using a lift in a Glasgow city centre hotel watched as a fellow guest was running towards the lift, but the chap standing beside the lift buttons failed to press the one to keep the door open.

As the lift took off, the chap turned to our reader and said: “If I could run that fast I’d be happy to use the stairs.”

The DUP’s goal

MUCH chat in footballing circles that Celtic may have to face Belfast side Linfield, of which many supporters are of the Protestant faith, on July the Twelfth in Belfast.

A reader phones to tell us that DUP leader Arlene Foster has already demanded from Theresa May a five-goal start for Linfield in the current discussions on supporting a Tory Government.

Sole beneficiary

MODERN parenting continued. A Jordanhill reader tells us her friend who is the mother of a young one confessed to her: “Was it bad of me to smile when my child stood on a piece of Lego in his bare feet hours after I’d been nagging him to pick all the pieces up?”

Polishing their halos

WE end our tales of what you did at school but never since, with Amy Kinnaird in Ayrshire going well down memory lane with: “Inkwells were set into the tops of the desks and were covered with a brass lid. These became tarnished, and ‘sooks’ used to take a small container of Brasso from their mother’s tin at home together with a piece of rag usually torn from an old flannelette sheet to polish the tops of the inkwells during the intervals.”

A wafer thin mint

CONGRATULATIONS to someone at St Andrews University having a sense of humour. A press release telling us that Monty Python writer and performer Michael Palin is to receive an honorary degree is headlined, for those who know the Python oeuvre, “The Meaning of Fife”.

Got that licked

WE asked about growing old, and an Ayrshire reader emails: “As a grown-up I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as the 10-year-old me thought I would.”

Towering infernal

WHAT’S been happening in America, we wonder. Brian Fearon tells us: “We were in New York last week during a heat wave and on our last day we visited Central Park. We escaped into Trump Tower for the air conditioning and a cool drink. My wife approached one of the number of powerfully built guys in suits and sunglasses dotted around the building with the request, ‘Do you know where the rest room is?’ He replied, ‘Yes’. A man of few words.”

Welly boot song

SAD to hear of the death of children’s TV presenter Brian Cant, voice of Trumpton and presenter of Play School. He once explained that he got the Play School job after turning up for an interview and he was asked to row a cardboard box. He not only rowed it, but gave a running commentary about the seagulls, the sea getting choppy, and catching a custard-filled Welly boot with his fishing rod. He reckoned he was the only person who got a job because of custard in a Wellington.

Something of the knight

WE mentioned Billy Connolly’s knighthood, and Bill Thomson in Glasgow observes: “Can you imagine the hilarious routine he would have created years ago about a working-class hero accepting a knighthood?”