IN the week that Hurricane Irma hit and North Korea tested yet another missile, Scottish Twitter was buzzing with something altogether quite different. What, I hear you ask, could be more of a talking point than such extreme weather? Could there be many issues more important right now than that of how to deal with a nuclear-armed rogue North Korea?
Well, yes, it would seem, but before you judge, you must first understand the hysteria that takes over social media whenever the prospect of a pregnant panda arises.
Because apparently, Scotland is still in the grip of panda mania following the arrival of giant pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang from China in 2011. They've prompted thousands upon thousands of words by reporters near and far ever since, and every so often the country goes on panda pregnancy-watch amid hopes that Tian Tian will produce offspring.
But there are those of us who firmly don our grumpy hats when the latest bout of panda hysteria hits. Twitter-users inevitably dig out the same panda memes they've been using for the last six years and indulge in unbearably cringeworthy panda puns (unbearably – boom boom!).
It all started this year when a Freedom of Information request, of all things, revealed within emails to the Scottish Government that officials at Edinburgh Zoo believed Tian Tian may be pregnant.
Confirmation was a waiting game, however, because despite having sent man to the moon, knowing for sure whether or not a panda is pregnant is apparently beyond mankind. It seems it isn't a black and white issue. It's a complex process, they say, and even late on in a pregnancy pandas can reabsorb their young. Good luck explaining that one to the nation's excited children awaiting pictures of baby pandas.
"It is with sadness that we can confirm Tian Tian, Edinburgh Zoo’s resident female giant panda, will not give birth to cubs this year. Our tests show that her hormone levels and behaviour have returned to normal as the breeding cycle ends for this year," said Iain Valentine, Edinburgh Zoo’s director of giant pandas – that’s his real job title – putting an end to this year's panda fertility observation programme (not an official zoo programme, you understand, more of an online clickbait factory).
Yes, the pandas are cute, and yes, it's an awful shame that they're at risk of extinction, but must we get ourselves in such a tizzy over Tian Tian and Yang Guang? We're on the verge of turning the forced fertilisation of animals in captivity into a national holiday. Have we taken leave of our senses?
And poor old Tian Tian. Having already mothered twins Shen Wei and Bo Si in 2009, she found herself shipped off to Scotland for a life of artificial insemination and being ogled by strangers. It's amazing how a nation can collectively not only normalise that situation, but sell merchandise about it.
On a 10-year loan in Scotland, zoo officials first tried encouraging Tian Tian and Yang Guang to breed naturally in 2012, without success. The zoo then opted for artificial insemination in a bid to produce cubs – a process opponents say is invasive for the pandas.
But alas, after five failed attempts, Edinburgh Zoo has now announced plans to work "closely with our Chinese partners" to review its giant panda breeding in captivity programme.
"The review process is currently being undertaken and we can't comment on future breeding activity until it is completed," the zoo said, leaving animal rights campaigners hopeful that it may be discontinued.
And it probably should be. I hate to burst the cute cuddly bear bubble, and I'd be as sad as anyone else to see pandas eventually die out, but who am I to argue with nature and evolution? Aren't we doing animals like these a disservice by keeping them alive only to put them in confined spaces, dumbing down all of their natural abilities and instincts?
And anyway, we can’t even tell the "there’s more pandas than Tory MPs" joke in Scotland any more. The novelty’s all worn off.
So I'm on Team Tian Tian, supporting the right of independent female pandas to live out their lives without the hassle of forced fertilisation. Let's leave her to enjoy her retirement and as much bamboo as she can guzzle in peace.
It's time to end the pandamonium. Boom boom!
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here