Jackets off

OUR mention of the late great STV announcer Bill Tennent reminds Neil Dunn: "Bill was also 'mine host' of his hotel in Crosshill, Glasgow. Our football team, Parkmount Amateurs, wanting a venue for a Burns' Night, approached Bill with the suggestion that, to cut costs, he would make the address to the haggis. Thus he duly served drinks from the bar, then put a dinner jacket on and made the speech, immediately returning to his bar duties sans jacket."

Lads line-up

AND talking of football teams, a reader sends us the team line-up of Brighton which beat West Ham 3-0 at the weekend, "Ryan, Bruno, Bong, Dunk, Duffy, Propper, Gross, Stephens, Knockaert, Izquierdo, Murray" and asks: "Is it just me, or does the first seven names sound like the nicknames of a group of lads going abroad for a stag night?"

A belter

GREEN MP John Finnie, who is behind the Bill to ban smacking of children in Scotland, says he is influenced by being belted at school which he felt was hugely counter-productive. It reminds us of former Green MSP Robin Harper who was unhappy belting pupils when he was a teacher. Robin told the story of a fellow teacher confessing that when he had ordered his class to sit down and get on with their work, one lad appeared at his elbow. The teacher then belted the lad for flouting his instructions only to discover that the confused teen had left school the previous year and had merely popped in to tell the teacher how he was getting on.

Raising the roof

GROWING old continued. An Ayrshire reader tells us a member of his golf club was explaining the other day: "My grandchildren get very condescending feeling sorry for me that I never had a computer, mobile phone or whatever when I was younger. So I just tell them, 'Yes, but I could buy a house for £5000 - can you?'"

Burning ambition

WISE words from a Kelvinside reader who tells us: "Did you know that 'caramelise' is just a word chefs use if they burn things?"

Close shave

WE wrote about the splendid exhibition on Alcoholics Anonymous at Kelvingrove Art Gallery and reader Marie Murray tells us: "A speaker at a meeting told of his friend who was explaining how much his life had changed since giving up the swally, particularly with regard to his finances. His friend told him, 'I mean, now I'm able to buy aftershaves I huvnae even tasted'."

Grave concerns

THE Herald archive picture last week of Jimmy Logan and comedian Alec Finlay outside the Glasgow Metropole reminds David Miller in Milngavie: "Alec had a sketch were he was tending gravestone at the local cemetery. One of the stones had the inscription, 'As I am now, so ye shall be, prepare thyself to follow me'. Written below it, someone had added, 'To follow you I'd be quite content, but I'm damned if I know which way ye went'."

Buzz off

STILL a few holiday stories washing ashore at the Diary, and Terry Primrose in Strathaven tells us he was on the P&O cruiseship the Oceana when he had to summon the steward as a loud buzzing noise in the cabin was becoming annoying. The steward was unable to locate where the buzzing sound was coming from and eventually the Chief Engineer was brought in for his expertise. Problem solved when the engineer found the Primroses had left an electronic toothbrush switched on and dancing around in a tumbler.

Spurred on

OUR daft stories about London boroughs - quite a niche category of jokes we admit - brings the response from Andy Bryson in Ardrossan: "You appear to have had quite a number of gags about London areas - are you Tottenham up?"