Bit of a stretch

THE surgery was closing on our GP stories, but surely room for a tale from a doctor's receptionist. Says Irene Munro in Conon Bridge, north of Inverness: "When I was a GP receptionist some years back, one of the patients said she had been in to see one of the doctors who was known to be a bit of a literalist. When she said to him, 'Doctor, I don't know how to sleep.' he said, 'I'll show you' and then he just lay down on the couch."

Saw him coming

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WE mentioned the chat-up lines in pubs as office Christmas parties approach, and a reader in Edinburgh says he heard the classic line last year uttered by a woman: "Do you come here often?" The chap she was talking to smiled and said: "All the time." "That's great," she replied, "in that case do you know if the barman is seeing anybody?"

Bordering on ridiculous

STILL trying to make head or tails of Brexit, and the controversy of whether there should be a border with Ireland. Economist Duncan Weldon observes: "So the Irish border is apparently an unexpected problem in the Brexit talks. 'Unexpected' used here in the sense that it was unexpected that a house guest would be murdered whilst Poirot was staying over for a weekend shooting party."

Giving them the slip

OUR bus stories brought back memories for entertainer Andy Cameron who was a bus conductor in the early 60s. Says Andy: "When passengers had no money for their fare they could ask for a Pink Slip on which they wrote their names and addresses so that they could go to the Bath Street office and pay it later.

"What always surprised me was the number of famous people who lived in Castlemilk and were skint - Rock Hudson, Perry Como, Willie Henderson, Paddy Crerand, Harold Wilson, Marilyn Monroe - they were all on my bus and signed a Pink Slip."

Getting off her chest

OK, just to get it over with. We mentioned the classic tram car story about the two dogs, and now numerous readers demand we mention the other classic tram tale. We will use Ian Cooper of Bearsden's version: "A Glasgow wifie purchased an old metal cabin trunk at The Barras, and as was the custom then, she put it up front with the driver of a tram on the Gallowgate then went to board herself only to be told by the clippie that the car was fu'. 'But I'm the woman wi' the tin chest,' she cried. 'Ah don't care if ye've goat a wally erse, you're still no gettin' on!' she was told."

The right mark

WE have mentioned nominative determinism - the theory that folk gravitate to jobs that suit their name. Writer Douglas Skelton tells us: "I spotted on Breakfast News a teacher called Mark Allday. I mentioned it to friends and fellow crime writers who came back with a part-time worker called Arthur Day - you have to say it in mock cockney - a plumber named Dwayne Pipe, and Ken Tucky who runs a fried chicken shop."

Dream on

Our story about comedian Ken Dodd turning 90 reminds David Miller of Ken's gig at the Glasgow Pavilion this summer. Says David: "He told the audience how he woke up one morning with an attractive lady lying beside him. 'Have you been there all night?' he asked. 'Go back to sleep and finish your dream,' she replied."