BACK TO REALITY FOR KEZ

FROM Coubert to Rockwell, homecoming has been a theme beloved by many an artist. The wanderer greeted by arms thrown out in welcome, smiles caressing every face.  Not quite the scene that greeted Kezia Dugdale this week on her return to the Scottish Parliament.
If one was looking for an artist to capture that mood it might be a case of dial M for Munch. The former Scottish Labour leader’s reappearance after a stint in Australia on I’m a Celebrity looked like a nightmare, from the media scrum at Glasgow Airport to the chilly scenes at Holyrood where she sat near the back of the chamber, the seats around her empty. If Ms Dugdale, given a written warning for her “unauthorised absence”, felt like screaming she kept it in till she got home.
Or maybe she knew someone else was about to speak up for her. In the Sun newspaper yesterday, her former spin doc Alan Roden, who was there to greet Ms Dugdale when she was the second contestant to be evicted from the jungle, turned Perry Mason in her defence.
According to Mr Roden, Kez’s homecoming was filled with British holidaymakers thanking her for entertaining them. “This is Kez’s life now,” he wrote. “A Scottish politician who will be recognised across the UK and who can use that profile to advance the causes she passionately believes in.”
Ah yes, about that. For those who struggled to see a connection between socialism and supping smoothies made from the dangly bits of some poor animal, Mr Roden was here to provide enlightenment. Take her “care package” from home, which included a photo of her partner, the SNP MSP Jenny Gilruth. “Promoting equality is a Labour value,” said Mr Roden. Ditto Kez talking to another contestant about his depression. “Tackling mental health is also a Labour value.” If anyone can find a way to turn clutching at straws into a money-making endeavour, Mr Roden could be richer than Bill Gates by Christmas.
Speaking of money, there was no mention of it in the piece. We know Ms Dugdale donated her MSP wages for the time she was in the jungle to charity, but the level of her appearance fee, and how much of that she kept, is yet to be disclosed.
Being a spin doctor of the people, Mr Roden sees criticism of his old boss as so much elitism.
“The po-faced attitude from many politicians in recent weeks, as well as the snide remarks from commentators in high-brow publications, is snobbery at its absolute worst. They don’t watch I’m a Celebrity, and they don’t understand why so many millions of people do … Presumably if Kez had spent three weeks on a reality show in an art gallery for BBC4 that would have been fine.”
What a brilliant idea. Ms Dugdale and other politicians are holed up in the Tate Modern while Melvyn Bragg engages them in endless In Our Time-style conversations about aesthetics. Can the contestants stand the pace? Will the cappuccino machine give out before a day has passed? And who will be able to resist blowing all their fee in the gift shop? Tune in to find out …
Ms Dugdale was criticised because  she went off to be a game show contestant in Australia when she was meant to be working as an MSP in Holyrood. It is not difficult to distinguish between the two jobs: the one she was elected to do and the one she chose to do for her own reasons. What those reasons were, other than a desire to convert millions to the Labour cause by means that were not at all obvious to any reasonable person – telepathy maybe? – is for her to know and the rest of us to find out when she’s ready and if anyone is still interested. 
Ms Dugdale is not the only Scots politician to raise her eyes to the horizon. Ruth Davidson this week made clearer what many have long suspected: that Westminster may well beckon. After the Scottish Parliament elections in 2021, she told The Spectator, “other conversations” could be had about her career.
One may regret that the noblest prospect cliche remains alive and well. One might wonder, too, how happy Ms Davidson might be at Westminster once the novelty, which works both ways, wears off. But if that is her choice, only the electorate stands in her way.
So we leave the revolving door of politics to turn and turn again. On the subject of career changes, Mr Roden is also effusive in praise of the I’m A Celebrity winner, Georgia Toffolo, aka Toff from the reality show Made in Chelsea, saying: “It will be fascinating to watch how Toff’s career takes off.”
Who knows. One day she might even become the leader of Scottish Labour.

MIND THOSE Bs and Qs

THE Andrew Marr Show finishes tomorrow for the festive break, and here is hoping its host can sign off without effing and jeffing, as he did last Sunday. Or did he?
Glasgow-born Marr was interviewing David Davis when he reminded the Brexit Secretary that he had once anticipated a divorce bill of £35-£39 billion. That was “a bloody good guess”, he said, only to apologise seconds later. “I got over excited,” he explained.
Next to get over excited was the Telegraph, which wondered if he needed to apologise. Not according to one expert, who called bloody “pretty mild”.
Other than a fixed number of words on which we can all agree, times change and it is sometimes hard to know what is acceptable and what is not. I remember being told off by a chief sub for using “hell”.
In matters of etiquette one cannot beat the Bertie Wooster test. Would Jeeves, hearing his charge say bloody of a Sunday AM, have raised a reproachful eyebrow? Quite. You did the right thing in apologising, Andy. Now go and have a ****** nice break. 

CRANKY ABOUT THE KRANKIES

STILL on the matter of manners and good taste, a mother has declared herself “disgusted” at a panto starring the Krankies and John Barrowman.
Natalie Wood went with two other adults and six children to see the show at Manchester Opera House. The title? Dick Whittington. Yes, you can see where this is going. It was not just the obvious gags that upset Ms Wood but some of the slapstick as well.
“I have never been to a pantomime where I felt so uncomfortable,” she said in a letter of complaint to the show’s producers, Qdos Entertainment. 
It responded that while the script did make use of double entendre “none of the humour is intended to offend”. Another parent, writing on Facebook, said her seven-year old loved the show, adding that panto was all about “a bit of innuendo”.
I’m afraid the Jeeves test cannot be applied to this one for fear that the very thought of the Krankies and John Barrowman being together in one country, never mind on one stage, would sent him into a dead faint.