It doesn’t grow on trees

KEZIA escaped with just two of the belt this week (and she was allowed to cover her wrists with a jotter) but received no suspension at all for sticking two fingers up at the headie and declaring in nonchalant voice: “I’m off to the jungle to play with my pals!”

But the limited punishment was probably down to the fact she managed to spread Labour values for the 11 days she was in the fake, manmade kiddie garden. By drinking a pig anus milkshake she was reaching deep into the heart of Keir Hardie idealism and in swallowing blended bull penis she was truly evoking the spirit of Tony Benn, who would have been singing the Red Flag had be witnessed this entirely selfless act. The other reason for the reduced punishment is Kez clearly regrets picking up £100k for her 11 days’ efforts in the Aussie sunshine coast. One close friend revealed: “She’s been seen crying all the way to the bank.”

Best foot forward

JEREMY Vine came out this week in defence of man with a comment which makes about as much sense as Roy Moore’s take on homosexuality. The former Strictly contestant, better known for his BBC Radio 2 afternoon show, called for a ban on the expression “dad dancing”. Vine maintained it should be illegal and it puts men off dancing. He’s clearly missing the point; “dad dancing” should be banned entirely. Go to a wedding, watch the YouTube clips or You’ve Been Framed and it’s incontrovertible – dads plus alcohol equals daftness on the dance floor. Even those who were once blessed with a little of the John Travolta in them lose it when they reach a certain age and number of alcohol units.

Now, there is an notion this view is slightly sexist. So I’ll balance it up. I’ve lost count of the number of women whose dance skills are either limited to the arm flap of the birdie song, who reveal the litheness and co-ordination of a bag of coal. But overall, mums, even when Proseccoed up to their eyeballs, don’t quite hit the depths of the dads.

Plane stupid

ON the subject of alcohol intake, the 5.05pm flight from London to Glasgow on Saturday left Heathrow an hour late, which, had it landed in time, would have meant I would have made the start of Harry Potter And The Chamber of Secrets 32-piece orchestra show at the Hydro in Glasgow, well before the 19.30pm start time. Well, stuff happens, we know that. And we accept it because we are a nation of acceptors. But we shouldn’t accept airline’s excuses. The flight was delayed, said the captain, because of snow problems in Aberdeen from where the plane was previously. Snow? Ha! And the airline had no idea this could possibly happen? Has BA never heard of weather forecasts? Everyone with a TV/iPhone/brain knew Aberdeen would be hit with the white stuff. So the plane was late connecting with Heathrow. And once it was about to set off it was again delayed because the pilot said the luggage door couldn’t be closed and engineers had to be called. Double bad luck. Or was it. A returning Scots celebrity was on the same plane. And he had a different take on events. “The plane was held up because two Scottish guys were denied boarding,” he said. “The crew decided the pair had had enough to drink. But here’s the thing; they recognised me and came over for a chat. And they weren’t out of their face or anything like that. Just a wee bit merry.”

Could it be that BA’s crew demanded the Glasgow-bound pair deplane, and the subsequent delay was a result of having to get their luggage out of the hold?

If that’s the case, then BA should be held accountable. They should personally phone the 11-year-old who waited for me at Glasgow Airport for an hour in a freezing car and explain their stance.

They should try telling him that missing the first 40 minutes of the Chamber Of Secrets wasn’t that important at all because most of the Voldemort plotline emerged in the second half. Good luck with that, BA.

Alas, poor Cheggers ON the subject of truth and honesty ... Eddie Mair produced an emotional tribute on Radio Four to the late Keith Chegwin. The PM presenter did a masterful job of paying due reverence to the irrepressible Liverpudlian, while not sounding at all embarrassed when guest Noel Edmonds announced Cheggers had to put up with mockery for most of his life. Oh, Eddie. How could you? Are you not the same Eddie Mair who once joked in the Radio Times about a frustrating experience with a bank employee? Fast Eddie quipped: “I considered telling her the cash was needed to cure cancer – or to keep Keith Chegwin off the telly.”

Cheggers didn’t find that funny at all. Wonder if Eddie Mair still does?

No more mistletoe

YET, the story which really made the head hurt this week was the edict issued in tweet form by the Police Service of Northern Ireland: “Keep away from the mistletoe or you could be arrested and charged with rape.”

What? When did a peck on the lips constitute sexual abuse? How has it come about that an age-old exchange of a little drink-fuelled mouth-to-mouth could result in time being spent in the Christmas pokey? Isn’t it fascinating that the PSNI has unilaterally rewritten the laws regarding rape? Yet, while there have been hoots of derision throughout the land, writer Brendan O’Neill says the tweet comes with a deeper malice attached. “Let’s not kid ourselves that this wacko tweet was a one-off or even particularly unusual. Sex is in dire crisis. It’s being crushed under the jackboot of a new misanthropy that views any spontaneous, uncontracted interaction between adults with dread.”

So there.

But what of Police Scotland’s take on the Mistletoe Law? Should Scots who have held a little year-long fancy for their co-worker simply smile at each other, perhaps send an emoji of a Christmas cracker or sign up for a pre-kiss contract?

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