Bin there

SOMETIMES folk run out of things to do if they are off work over both Christmas and New Year. A Bearsden reader tells us her husband was staring out the living room window for a while the other day before finally remarking: "How much would the neighbours panic, do you think, if we put our bins out today?"

Cheesy remark

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YES, the third of January. As comedy writer Sanjeev Kohli put it: "How to buy exactly the right amount of cheese for Christmas. First, calculate how much cheese you think people will eat. Secondly, buy treble that amount. Thirdly, throw two-thirds away on the third of January."

Sir Batman

CONGRATULATIONS on the knighthood to Strathclyde University's Professor John Curtice, the expert who explains all our political polls. Now he might seem the very epitome of sensibleness but I do remember seeing John not so long ago at a charity fashion show, raising funds for Malawi, dancing down the catwalk in a Batman onesie with his feet clad in Incredible Hulk green boots. He was doing a robotic dance to techno music, the way your dad would do if he was dragged on to a dance-floor.

Wouldn't it be great if he reprised the outfit for the Buckingham Palace ceremony?

Losing it

YES, the post New Year diets have begun for many. A Newton Mearns reader heard a young woman in the local shopping centre declare: "Wouldn't it be great if losing weight was like losing your virginity?" As her pal looked at her blankly, she added: "Once you lose it, you can never get it back."

That's a date

A BISHOPBRIGGS reader phones to tell us: "I read in a magazine that I glanced through at my doctor's waiting room - wouldn't recommend going there just now, full of people coughing and spluttering - that you should treat every time you take your wife out as if it was your first date.

"So I tried it - must say she was quite shocked when I dropped her off at her parents after the cinema."

Cutting remark

LOTS of time spent with relatives over the past few days, which can be a bit challenging. Says a Cathcart reader who got in touch: "My mother was complaining about my son sitting at his Xbox shooting a host of aliens. 'These games are far too violent - they should play board games like we used to do'. So I couldn't help myself from replying, 'Yes, let's get out the Cluedo where we can decide whether to kill Dr Black by stabbing him with a dagger, caving his skull in with a lead pipe or hanging him with a rope'."

Bear necessity

NOT been the best of weather recently. A reader emails us with the question: "It's too cold to go out. Do you think hibernation can be learned? I've certainly stored enough fat to last all winter."

Jaw dropped

STILL quiet in the office yesterday so could not escape when a colleague marched over and boomed: "Did you see that dental charges are rising rapidly? Brace yourselves!" before continuing on his way.